It can only get better

What a start to the week. As we speak the radio station is off the air. Thanks to equipment failure and nothing that can be done about it until tomorrow. New equipment hopefully arrives tomorrow and can be changed over. Talk about feel helpless. I guess the only good thing about it is that I don't work tomorrow until probably after lunch. But the other thing is that it highlights the need for onsite technicians and spare equipment.

Managed to scrap a LO this evening of our house guest Siena. She was pretty impressed by the whole scrapbooking thing so I thought I would do a page of her. Entitled "Sweet Siena".



At the moment things are just frustrating me. I feel such an urge to move forward and yet my hands are tied by people who need to make decisions about employment and the like. I so want at this point to get myself into a good career and be fulfilled in that area of my life. If good things come to those who wait - My expectations at this point are pretty high...........

The last word

Well for the weekend at least. I should really be in bed - but the kids are watching Scary Movie, and I've finally finished that 3rd layout for the weekend.... and right at this point I'm wishing I had the week off.... Anyway - here is the final page I've created for the weekend - entitled I.O.U.



Bed time now.... I know I am going to swear when the alarm goes off in the morning.

Weekend almost over.

Well it's been an interesting weekend. Scrap Pile Cyber Crop on Friday night. It was kind of funny being on the other side after so many months of being a part of the Design Team. But on the other hand it's actually nice to be able to compete for the prizes too. After calling all those games of Bingo - I actually WON a game last night. And on dial up too. That was pretty much a miracle. Well done Deb - you did a great job of dragging out the suspense. I taught you well LOL.
I finished a layout for Melanie's challenge - using only black, white and silver and some chipboard stars. I came up with a LO using a photo out of Lakeisha's collection from the ABW this week. Entitled "Our Future Stars" - oh and they are!


The challenge layout was supposed to be 8 1/2 x 11 inches - and mine is but then I backed it on to a 12x12 piece of white to make it uniform to my other layouts. So essentially it's 2 in 1.... the smaller section for the challenge and the updated version for my album.

The 2nd layout I managed to complete so far is below entitled "Lately". There's a bit of a message kind of hidden but not hidden in the journaling as well. No not a message for you - one for me.... I actually really like both these layouts for different reasons.



I have another layout almost finished but don't know if I'll get it done tonight or not. We'll see.

We have a visitor for the week. Sienna is coming to stay for a few days, plus Lakeisha is off on the Beechy Trail walk. No doubt a few photo opportunities from that coming up to scrap. Another working week for me, but I'm holding out hope of resolving a few problem issues current in my life so I am really quite looking forward to it.

Australian Business Week.

Well they say Winners are Grinners and they certainly were today. 10 Year 12 Students from across the State of Victoria are tonight grinning pretty wide if Lakeisha's face is anything to go by. Because they were a part of the fabulous Red Team who won this years Australian Business Week honours at the Deakin University. You can find out more information about this incredible program via the Deakin Uni site here.

I was so proud to sit there and watch Lakeisha take centre stage to give the Financial Report as a part of the oral presentation. My god she was fantastic, I kept thinking those weeks of radio presentation certainly didn't go astray....., as was CEO Matt and the rest of the team as they went through their various roles during the day.









Well done Red Team. So now it's off to Sydney in June to contest the Global Award. How exciting is that?????

Miserable Wednesday

Well clearly summer has deserted us. It looks and feels like winter today. The alarm clock went off at 4:30 as usual and all I could hear was torrential rain. I sat up in bed, my head pounded, my throat felt like crap and I was aching all over. That was enough to turn off the alarm and the light and go back to sleep. Not that I got lots of sleep, but clearly I'm in for something. Oh Joy!

I managed to finish off another layout from one of those gorgeous Pirate photos. Scrapping usually makes me feel better but I think it would take a lot more than that today. Unfortunately I do have to go into town still. Ugh... Anyway here is the layout - entitled "Priceless Treasures".



Unfortunately we had to say goodbye to one of our doggies yesterday. Secret came to us from the USA in 2002 and was such a sweet little dog. Unfortunately she had cancer and in the past couple of days had gone from her usual happy waggy self to being quiet and withdrawn. She was 12.5 years old. This picture was taken when she was still in quarantine.



R.I.P. Secret, you are missed....

New LO

A new layout that I started over the weekend but only finished tonight. Entitled Love'N The New View......

A happy Easter

What a great weekend so far. I've scrapped only one layout, but I have spent some time talking with friends, reconnecting with someone in a way that I cannot explain the depths of meaning and importance, driven my beautiful car and spent some time breathing in glorious sea air. I have downloaded new music, spent some time with my loving doggies, and actually felt happy and content within myself. And I might add ALL of that has been some time since it last happened. It just goes to prove that life is back on track and I am determined to make the most of every single bloody moment. I have such plans for the future. I am building dreams and goals again. It's been a while. Damn it - I'm back. Watch out!

Finally..........

I was beginning to think I wasn't going to scrap anything... It wasn't that I didn't have photos or motivation, or materials. But I just haven't put anything together in almost a month. Suddenly tonight though I had the urge to play with a layout and in very short time came up with this one. Entitled "Perspective". Hope you like it.

Avast!!!!!!!!

One would have been forgiven for thinking they were seeing things today as a whole bunch of pirates appeared in town. It was merely the Year 12 mob having a bit of fun. And it looks as though they did just that!







Scary bunch aren't they????? LOL

A new view...

Picture this...



Now that's the way I could spend every evening - a glass of wine in one hand and good company in the other. Can you say "Bliss"?

The funny side of life.

After a text message last week which told me, in part, that "Announcing your dream would recruit the people who will help you and expose your enemies....." - I almost choked on my mineral water after it came true for a 2nd time but this time in a different way.

Clearly the powers of the universe are out to prove they exist to me right at the moment. I'm kind of laughing to myself in the devious way only I can to myself.... Don't mind me. I'm just rather enjoying the fact that people eventually show their true colours, and usually if you give them enough rope they'll find their own way of hanging themselves.

Significance of dreams.

I am always interested in the interpretation of dreams. Until recently, I really haven't had dreams, at least that I can recall, in a very long while. But there have been two dreams that I was interested to pursue the meaning of. One I actually figured out this morning in the course of trying to interpret the other.

The first dream was some months ago. It was short but vivid. Shane and I were in my car, he was driving (from where I don't know) and approaching my driveway except that the direction we were approaching from was the wrong way - since my road is a dead end about 300 metres along from our house. And the second odd thing was that there was a huge cane basket at the end of the driveway blocking the entire road, lying on it's side empty with the open end facing us. It wasn't blocking the driveway but it was blocking the entire road.

The dream I had last night, while I understand some of it, there is one aspect I can't seem to find information about. I was driving along a piece of the Princes Highway that I know fairly well, it was night and I was by myself and the further I went the more the bush closed in, the road deteriorated and narrowed until it was full of potholes and there were 2 foxes on the road, and my car started slowing down and I couldn't get it to speed up and I could see these 2 foxes standing in the middle of the potholes just looking at me. I kept getting this feeling like something was wrong and then bright lights gradually appeared behind me like another car catching up with lights on full beam.

I looked up as much as I could on a dream website -

To see a road in your dream, indicates your sense of direction and pursuit of your goals. To see a winding, curvy, or bumpy road in your dream, suggests that you will experience many obstacles and setbacks in achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the darker or more frightening choices which you have made or are making.

To see a street in your dream, symbolizes your life's path. The condition of the street reflects how much control you have over the direction of your life.

To see potholes in your dream, represents difficulties and setbacks in achieving your goals. You may need to make some changes in how you approach your goals. The dream may also indicate that things are not going smoothly for you in some aspect or situation in your waking life.

To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

To dream that a threatening creature is on a road, parallels a hostile situation/person you are encountering in your waking life. It is an obstacle that you need to overcome, no matter how intimidating the situation or person may appear.

To see a fox lurking about in your dream, represents cleverness and resourcefulness. You need to use your insight and intellect to solve some problem. Perhaps you need to conceal your thoughts and/or remain silent. Alternatively, it indicates a period of isolation or loneliness. It is a good way for you to use this time to reflect.

To see the woods in your dream, represents life, fertility, rejuvenation, and spring. Alternatively, it symbolizes the unknown and unconscious. You need to be more open-minded to discovering your potential and instinctual nature. To dream that you are walking through the woods, signifies your return to an aspect of yourself that is innocent and spiritual.

To see light in your dream, denotes a clear mind, plain understanding, and insight. Light has been shed on a once cloudy situation or problem. You have found the truth to a situation or an answer to a problem. To see a bright light in your dream, indicates that you need to move toward a higher level of awareness and feeling.

In relation to the first dream, I see the significance especially at the time of me not driving -
To dream that someone else is driving you, represents your dependence on the driver. You are not in control of your life and following the goals of others instead of your own. To see a basket in your dream, symbolizes the material body. It also represents the things that you are holding onto. So I now understand that one.... and for what it's worth totally agree with it.

The part that I don't get is the significance of the lights being behind me in the second dream. Most of what I read talks about looking at or seeing light ahead of you or surrounding you. I'll study that a little longer I guess.

Insights to life.

There is one other thing which occurred to me this week. It relates to giving 100%. If you don't give 100% or believe 100% - whatever it is that you want isn't ever going to be truly yours. Sometimes you just can't have everything. Sometimes you need to select the most important things and focus on giving them 100%. Otherwise you really only have about 50% of everything. I've decided I don't want to settle for halves. I'd much prefer to have 100% of something - otherwise it's only going to be worth half the effort I put into it in the first place.

The huge week

I'm not sure I will be able to do this week justice in a blog entry. To say it's been a huge week really doesn't even touch the surface. What's it's meant to me in so many ways makes it unforgetable for so many reasons. It's been a week of growth, understanding, comprehension, reconnection and strength. A week where my faith in "balance" has been restored and "confidence" in myself has been challenged. This has so much been the first week of the rest of my life that it's difficult to know what to focus on and pursue.

The realisation of three things make it stand out for me.

One... is that I have the most incredible friends. Not the friends who are there for you when it suits. The ones who are there for you when YOU need them. Friends who have no interest in judgement or seeing you conform to their ideas or thoughts... Real friends who only have your welfare and happiness at heart and are there for you to encourage you and help you to identify and achieve your own goals and happiness. I was left speechless by the timely visits Michael. And one text message in particular at a time when I was sitting at a restaurant and feeling so happy for the first time in a very long while, which said "Maree, announcing your dream will recruit the people who will help you and expose your enemies. Also your dream has never been closer than it is at this instant". If only you knew just how close "it" was right at that particular instant.

Two is that I am at a crossroad of a very exciting rebirth of my life. I have emerged from the despair and fear and although I still feel a little unsure I am ready to step out into the world and own my destiny. I know that I can take on all sorts of exciting new things, I am ready to pursue a new career and I now know how strong and talented and determined the past has made me. And I am more than ready to move ahead and change some priorities in my life so that I finally come first rather than everyone else ahead of me.

The third thing that stood out for the week was that life is so temporary, it can be gone in a moment. Some of us get warnings, some of us get insights. Some of us just fail to see the signs. When you have a chance for true happiness it's not something you should EVER question or play around with. Having the support and love of someone who is in your heart and you can't imagine living life without is more important and more worth preserving than most any other things I can think of. If you don't have love - true love - unconditional love - in your life, then you truly have very little. Earning all the money in the world will not bring you the richness that comes with sharing respect and trust and love with another human being.

One of the other more outstanding moments of the week was seeing the growth in those around me. Even though pride is considered one of "those sins"... I have to say that I am very proud of a certain individual who has merely tapped the surface of their potential. I hate I told you so. But in this case - I told you so. You are big. You can be so much bigger. Just be as big as you want to be. Those of us who love you expect no more and no less.

Such hot weather this week as well. It makes you want to go to the beach again and again and again.....

Stressed

In the wake of the events of the past month or so I'm feeling really lost today, more so than usual. Perhaps it's the impending funeral this afternoon, but I've had a headache all day and the realisation of certain things have no doubt contributed to it.

I was thinking this morning about how overwhelmed I have been and about how I feel there are things I am over reacting to. I know I am. And I just don't seem to be able to do anything about it. I find myself in a position of great responsibility, both as a parent and as a professional, and yet dealing with all of the problems those things present you with right now on my own is just not working. I miss not having someone to talk with and bounce ideas off. Not necessarily someone to solve the problems for me - I've never asked for that - but just having someone who understands the depth of the issues you deal with in your daily life and who is prepared to listen just makes everything that much easier to cope with. Hell it's not even just the bad things, but the good things as well. Being able to share the good news with someone who understands what it really means to you is missing as well.

I was also thinking about the radio station and how everyone has pulled back and left it to me. I created that myself, I know that. When there was no assistance I struggled on and got the things done by myself. And so of course seeing that it was being done, everyone just continued to leave it to me. It's no good complaining about it now because I created it. But it is now far too big for one person, and unfortunately the only person who is stepping up to assist has been the one person who has walked in off the street and immediately found fault with a whole pile of things that they disagree with.

It's a personal conflict, I acknowledge that. I have worked so hard to have a harmonious environment for everyone to be in after the initial squabbles and arguements that some of the people were engaging in constantly when I first started. For the most part things have run fairly smoothly, there have been one or two incidents but nothing that dedicated professional people were not able to move on from. For that I have been grateful. But I don't have the strength or the motivation to work on this one and I would just rather let someone else take the reigns and see what they can do with it. Frankly it's not worth a fight to me any more because the stress and worry of it all has come to be more than the enjoyment. The long hours, no money and financial concerns amount to owning your own business and I think I've had enough of the waking in the wee hours worrying about how to pay the bills.

That feeling of not being supported is a funny one. I don't think I've ever lived with anyone who really supported me. I think my life has been a constant battle to survive, I certainly have been a single parent for the past 16 years, and any personal interest I have had along with any success that came along with it, was always met with jealousy and bitter discouraging attitudes. God forbid I should find some enjoyment out of something. Maybe a part of that is about to change for the better, but on some issues there is a long road ahead that will still be some time in it's repair.

The secret is out!

http://www.otwayidol.org.au/index.php?page=bios

hmmmm how much fun is this going to be?????????????

The Little Things.

This was emailed to me by a friend. Given I've been trying to get myself in a nicer place in life and seem to be subconsciously putting up a bit of resistance... I thought this was pretty appropriate.

The 'L I T T L E' Things. . .

As you might know, the head of a company survived 9/11 because his son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was His turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident.

One of them missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.

One's Car wouldn't start.

One went back to answer the telephone.

One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.

One couldn't get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning. Took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.

Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone... All the little things that annoy me. I think to myself, this is exactly where my guardian angel wants me to be at this very moment..

Next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated; It may be just that someone is watching over you.

May Love continue to find you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose.

Lets hope my GA is there to give me a little help on Thursday....

Too many Goodbyes

Sadly today I learned of the loss of a great lady who I admired an enormous amount. I have been missing her warmth and her laugh and her incredible depth of passion for many months now since she has been too ill to be at the radio station. In the few months I was priviledged to spend with her, I came to respect her incredible strength and courage, and admire not only her wonderful outlook on life, but also the grace, kindness and generosity she displayed despite her own ill health and suffering. She was truly one of a kind.

I phoned to see how she was on Tuesday and was greeted with her usual upbeat voice telling me the nurses were bathing her and she couldn't talk. I said I would call back later and just never got around to it. I'm so very sorry that I didn't. I tried to call today only to reach her mother who gave me the sad news that she had passed away yesterday. To say I feel devastated by her loss is an understatement. My sympathies lie with her family, especially Bradley her son. And although I know her pain and suffering has ended, I can't help but think the world was a much better place for her presence. I know she would be looking down on this telling me to not be so stupid, and stop crying for her. But to know you was to love you Gabrielle. You are missed, will be missed, and there will never be another quite like you.

R.I.P. Gabrielle.

Being in control.

It's a funny thing when I am in a phase of trying to let go of the need to be in control - and one of the most difficult things I am having trouble with is controlling not doing something I know I shouldn't. The desire to make a phone call or at least send a text message today to Shane has been almost impossible to resist. But I know that while things remain as they are, I don't have the strength to say no and he doesn't have the strength to resist the urge to cross the line in the sand. And rather than me allow the situation to degenerate to a point that doesn't do justice to the relationship I know we had, I guess I have to exercise this one bit of control over myself to make sure that doesn't happen.

I don't get how someone can think about someone else constantly and not see it for what it is. I don't get how someone can think they honestly are in love and doing justice to one relationship when they are constantly thinking about and missing another person (and telling them so). So much so that you would drive almost an hour out of your way to see them and say you just needed to be close to them and show them the new suit you bought and especially not at 7:00 in the morning!!!!!

When you are in love with someone and happy with that person - you just don't have eyes for anyone else. At least that's how I interpret a happy relationship. If you are happy and fulfilled you don't have a need to seek anything anywhere else. Enlightenment comes in different ways to different people I guess. It's all about that "being different" thing again, and I appreciate that we don't all see things in the same way or in the same time. There are some things in my life that I'm doing that I don't understand why. And I want to understand why so I can do it better in the future. I'd suggest that there are a few other people out there in the world who are pretty confused about why they are doing what they are doing - maybe they should consider getting some help from an unbiased source as well... We'd all be better off I think.

For my own efforts of changing the patterns of my life - I have taken some steps to free myself of the frustrations in my life at this time. Don't die of shock but one of the things I have done is to hand in my resignation with the radio station - I finish up in 6 weeks or before if I end up with a full time job, but either way April 18th I'm out of here. It's become a vicious cycle of me being the one who has to do everything and feeling as though I don't have assistance from many of the members. I have never thought change was a bad thing, but I do believe in things running smoothly and everyone being happy about the work they are doing. Right now I'm not feeling happy, and given it's a volunteer position anyway, I think the demands placed on me really are beyond reasonable expectations, the hours are horrendous, and the responsibility not equally shared. It's not one person or even a few. I think that given the membership of the station - there are plenty of people out there who could offer to do a whole bunch more than they have been and there lies the problem.

Frank and I chatted about the option of continuing to do a breakfast program together. We do really enjoy it and thought maybe we would cut it down to 2 hours instead of 3 and perhaps do two shows a week instead. But beyond that I think there is not anything I want to be involved in aside from perhaps keeping up the supply of new popular music to the station. And it's surprisingly a decision that sits well with me. In some respects a bit of a relief. It has certainly served it's purpose well for me at least. I have made some very valuable friendships, learned so much about radio, music, production, and also importantly it has given me a far greater sense of confidence in my ability to go beyond my comfort zones and proven to me that I can learn new things in far wider horizons I ever thought possible. So it's been a very good thing.

But as they say - one door closes and another one opens. It's time and I am hoping I will be ready to forge ahead through wherever that door may lead...... Focus on what you want - not on what you fear right??????

Retraining.

It's true what they say. You are never too old to learn. Often it isn't the lesson that's difficult to learn. It's putting it in to practice. Knowing what you should do for the best and actually having the strength and the courage (or even a clue as to HOW) to do it are different things. It's astounding that when you look at someone else's situation in life you can see the problems as clear as day and yet from your own perspective things can often look "normal".

For my own situation, I don't know why it is that I don't trust the universe to take care of things. I mean I've seen it in my own life so many times where things just simply work out. That whole fate - things happen as they are meant to - thinking. I've accepted that so many times in my life and noticed it and commented on it. And so why being unable to trust it ALL the time is such a problem for me, I'm not sure. But clearly I don't. Clearly there are times when I try too hard to have something or get something done and it just has the complete opposite effect. The rules are just so tricky. The whole "focus on what you want not what you fear" - I see that as being a key element in life. My problem is that I have a tendancy to elevate the word "focus" to a far more "hands on" approach. I know that. I've known that for a long time. I'm impulsive and passionate and intense. Finding a way to allow that to work FOR me and not against me it would seem is the task of the moment.

Today I had yet another glimpse of how things fall into place if you let them. It's funny but often timing is everything if the lesson is even to be learned. It's going to be a hard road....

Changing the past.

Clearly any idiot knows you can't change the past. But then I doubt there would be many of us who haven't at some point or other wished we could go back in time and change something we would do differently if we had the time again. There isn't a whole bunch of stuff in my life that I regret. I accept that it's made me who I am today and although I am relatively happy with that, there are still some things I wish were different, and in particular one thing I will regret for the rest of my life.

I have come to understand a few things this week about myself that I hope will serve me better in the future. I know that I had a handle on a lot of the things I wanted to change in the way I dealt with life. But sadly those old fears and lessons won yet again. I came so close to conquering it and yet I let it slip in a moment of doubt and frustration. And it all boils down to not having enough faith in yourself, not trusting your instincts - instead listening to other people and allowing them to influence your choices, and not focusing on what you want instead of what you fear.

Building a wall around yourself may make you feel safe and protected, but in reality all it does is block you off from experiencing so many things. Being strong and brave and independent may all sound really inspiring and admirable, but in effect all that adds up to is someone who can walk through life alone. The fact that I CAN do that doesn't mean it's my preferred choice of being - although in actual fact it's what I create as a result of it.

Wishing I could erase that one day, that one moment, amounts to nothing. Whether I ever get the opportunity to make up for it some day will remain to be seen. Focusing on what I want and not what I fear is the only way forward. Honesty, with one's self and those around us, is the only future.