Well I've just spent 15 minutes staring at my profile wondering who the hell that person is looking back at me. And then realising despite the fact that I had thought I had come such a long way - there staring back at me was the same old me. Same fears. Same expectations. Same crappy self doubts.
In life there come pivotal moments. Crossroads if you like. Those moments where you stand at the give way signs of life, look left, look right, look straight ahead, and then make the choice which path to choose. Tonight is one of those pivotal moments. I took a glance back over my shoulder at the road behind me. I didn't like what I saw. In so many ways the past 8 months of my life have been a blur. I know in reality it's where my life began, but so much has crammed itself into that 8 months not only can I barely believe 8 months has passed, I can barely believe I've survived. But back beyond that is just a nightmare that despite the fact I acknowledge brought me to where I am today, I would sooner forget it than relive it.
And it seems I am not the only one who has been at these crossroads this week. Actually it's quite amazing how two people from such different backgrounds and life experiences can find themselves at pretty much the same crossroad at the same time. I have no doubt it's no co-incidence. I have often spoken of the "push" I feel from time to time in life. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it on this blog often, but I have often told people about it. It's a strange feeling. I do believe in some ways we are guided through life by forces none of us completely understand and that many never even sense much less acknowledge. I am such a firm believer in fate. But every now and then I feel that the "push" is just a little too obvious and I feel a need to turn to my invisible guides, wave a stern finger at them and say "I felt that one....." Well hey. I felt this one....
The crossroad I now stand at makes me face some fears I have yet to conquer. Thanks to the lovely Murray & Darren, I developed such a lack of self worth, I still live with the day to day fear and doubt that I will never be "enough" - enough at anything. Life hasn't been about me for so long. I've spent my life trying to make other people all they can be. The lack of respect and gratitude I've been shown along the way has been enough to make you give up a thousand times over. I realise oh too late that there was nothing in it for me. Not even a decent relationship.
So I suppose tonight the sudden panic set in when I saw the path ahead of me. Another life journey with the focus on someone else. Another scenario of me being the driving force behind the promotion and success of someone else. I realised tonight my life is NEVER going to be about me and the things I have always dreamed of having are never coming my way, and besides which, this time for me the stakes are so much higher for this is a serious last chance and if I crash and burn this time, there will be no way out, no way to survive, for this is too intense, too important and the ball is in my court to either roll with it or get crushed in the rush.
There isn't a choice to be made. I'm there all the way. Although I am terrified. I have no job to speak of - not a secure paying one at least. I have no guarantee for the future, financial, career or personally. At any time I could be obsolete in so many areas of my life. And maybe the way I've lived my life until now hasn't exactly served me that well. But I know that if I don't follow my heart and my passion right at this moment in time, I will wonder "what if" for the rest of my life - and that alone can cause you to crash & burn.
So what can I say. Wish me luck. Hold on to your "I told you so" speeches. Maybe you will need them, maybe you won't. In the meantime, I feel really unwell, and if you care a rats ass then say a little prayer. I guess I'll keep you posted.