Sunday, March 02, 2008

Changing the past.

Clearly any idiot knows you can't change the past. But then I doubt there would be many of us who haven't at some point or other wished we could go back in time and change something we would do differently if we had the time again. There isn't a whole bunch of stuff in my life that I regret. I accept that it's made me who I am today and although I am relatively happy with that, there are still some things I wish were different, and in particular one thing I will regret for the rest of my life.

I have come to understand a few things this week about myself that I hope will serve me better in the future. I know that I had a handle on a lot of the things I wanted to change in the way I dealt with life. But sadly those old fears and lessons won yet again. I came so close to conquering it and yet I let it slip in a moment of doubt and frustration. And it all boils down to not having enough faith in yourself, not trusting your instincts - instead listening to other people and allowing them to influence your choices, and not focusing on what you want instead of what you fear.

Building a wall around yourself may make you feel safe and protected, but in reality all it does is block you off from experiencing so many things. Being strong and brave and independent may all sound really inspiring and admirable, but in effect all that adds up to is someone who can walk through life alone. The fact that I CAN do that doesn't mean it's my preferred choice of being - although in actual fact it's what I create as a result of it.

Wishing I could erase that one day, that one moment, amounts to nothing. Whether I ever get the opportunity to make up for it some day will remain to be seen. Focusing on what I want and not what I fear is the only way forward. Honesty, with one's self and those around us, is the only future.

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