Monday, March 10, 2008

Stressed

In the wake of the events of the past month or so I'm feeling really lost today, more so than usual. Perhaps it's the impending funeral this afternoon, but I've had a headache all day and the realisation of certain things have no doubt contributed to it.

I was thinking this morning about how overwhelmed I have been and about how I feel there are things I am over reacting to. I know I am. And I just don't seem to be able to do anything about it. I find myself in a position of great responsibility, both as a parent and as a professional, and yet dealing with all of the problems those things present you with right now on my own is just not working. I miss not having someone to talk with and bounce ideas off. Not necessarily someone to solve the problems for me - I've never asked for that - but just having someone who understands the depth of the issues you deal with in your daily life and who is prepared to listen just makes everything that much easier to cope with. Hell it's not even just the bad things, but the good things as well. Being able to share the good news with someone who understands what it really means to you is missing as well.

I was also thinking about the radio station and how everyone has pulled back and left it to me. I created that myself, I know that. When there was no assistance I struggled on and got the things done by myself. And so of course seeing that it was being done, everyone just continued to leave it to me. It's no good complaining about it now because I created it. But it is now far too big for one person, and unfortunately the only person who is stepping up to assist has been the one person who has walked in off the street and immediately found fault with a whole pile of things that they disagree with.

It's a personal conflict, I acknowledge that. I have worked so hard to have a harmonious environment for everyone to be in after the initial squabbles and arguements that some of the people were engaging in constantly when I first started. For the most part things have run fairly smoothly, there have been one or two incidents but nothing that dedicated professional people were not able to move on from. For that I have been grateful. But I don't have the strength or the motivation to work on this one and I would just rather let someone else take the reigns and see what they can do with it. Frankly it's not worth a fight to me any more because the stress and worry of it all has come to be more than the enjoyment. The long hours, no money and financial concerns amount to owning your own business and I think I've had enough of the waking in the wee hours worrying about how to pay the bills.

That feeling of not being supported is a funny one. I don't think I've ever lived with anyone who really supported me. I think my life has been a constant battle to survive, I certainly have been a single parent for the past 16 years, and any personal interest I have had along with any success that came along with it, was always met with jealousy and bitter discouraging attitudes. God forbid I should find some enjoyment out of something. Maybe a part of that is about to change for the better, but on some issues there is a long road ahead that will still be some time in it's repair.

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