How life changes.
It's been a busy week. It's also been an interesting week. Life is so full of contrast these days. Contrast between what is and what was. Contrast between relationships and days and lives. Contrast is good though. I think it's the one thing that give you perspective on so many things. There were a number of profound moments this week that really struck me. Some of them were old lessons finally learned and some of them were astoundingly bold moments.
I figure I must be a kind of "soft touch" sometimes to get myself into situations where I lead with my heart and not my head. Such a moment occurred over the past couple of weeks where I had obviously allowed myself to get drawn back into the mesmerizing concept of going back on radio. Don't get me wrong - I loved radio. I loved the fun of being on air. I loved those mornings of fun and laughter. I loved the music as well and to a point still miss that side of it. And I think we did it well when we were doing it. But if there is one thing I've learned in life - call it a life rule if you want - but you can't go back. You just can't. And even though for a moment I considered it - just for a moment. Along came a reminder of what happened in the past, a reminder of why I left when and how I did, a reminder of some of the really horrible elements of working in a volunteer organisation - just in time - just at the right time to pull me up by the scruff of the neck and say "What the HELL were you thinking?????"
I see two scenarios of getting involved again. One where you just get hurt and the other where you just get used. Knowing my luck I could end up with both. So I think my best mode is uninvolved..... Given there are "other things" out there right now just itching to upset me - I don't really need that as well.
And then there was the ongoing "battle" with the right to be recognized. And here is another life rule. Pick your battles. Some battles in life are easily fought and won. Some battles take a bit of courage and determination. Some battles are simply never going to be won. But then in contrast - some battles just aren't worth fighting in the first place. Let that be a lesson to you. I realised the one I was starting to be engaged in simply wasn't worth it. I've never really been someone who is overly concerned about what people think of me. I am who and what I am and I can't change that just to suit you or anyone else. So to be troubling myself over what someone else thought of me is simply stupid and to allow how that made me feel affect a relationship so important to me is even more stupid. Thankfully I know we both realise that. So enough is enough. There may be one or two out there who can't see the reality forest, but for me the most important thing is my future with Shane and there isn't anything I would do to jeopardise that. Not a thing.
On the up side though there also were many positive things to come out of the past days. Last week when I knew I had the job I had applied for, I said to Shane I don't know what it is about this job, but even though it's less hours than I need/want I just feel like it's where I'm meant to be at this time. I really love the team I work with. They are a great bunch of people. And I have a feeling that things will work out the way they were meant to just so long as I'm patient. And when I really sit down and look at the job as a big picture - it's exactly what I was looking for with a wage to match.
But two of the most profound moments was this week were at Lakeisha's Year 12 Graduation and earlier in the day. Despite the fact that Shane had had minor surgery on a lump on his foot and was quite obviously in a great deal of pain, he insisted on attending the Graduation. And there was a moment while she was on stage and I looked around at him sitting next to me as he sat there intently watching the proceedings. The overwhelming knowledge of how supportive and loving this man is simply touched my heart. I'm not sure exactly what it was, the look on his face, the knowledge he went to the effort of attending, just the fact that he was there. It was one of those simple things, it created a mental photograph that is safely tucked away in that album in my mind. It will never be scrapbooked - but it will forever remain a special memory.
And earlier in the day when we were heading out to the doctors, and he dressed in his black pants and a white shirt I had bought him from Rivers last weekend. My god the man looked sensational and I seriously couldn't take my eyes off him. And I couldn't help thinking yet again how lucky I am to have this incredible person in my life and about how far both of us have come in the past 14 weeks, not to mention how very proud I am of him.
Life is good.