Tonight

OK tonight the music is sad.

There are things I need to clarify this week. Today has been very much a day of reflection and assessment. There are some things that are just so important to me at the moment. I can't remember any time in my life where I have felt such an overwhelming sense of how much my future depends on some very important decisions and clarifications. I can only hope I can find the words to adequately express my committment and dedication to the things that are important in my life right at the moment. This is going to be such a time of compromise and flexibility and understanding. But I believe if it's meant to be - it will be. And I have such confidence in everything at the moment that I cannot for a moment entertain the idea that things won't work out. At least work out the way they should be for the best.

I actually watched Big Brother tonight.... I am so pleased Zach is still there. I will vote to save!!!! Fingers crossed. Steph - have an awesome time tomorrow attending BB's Final. You lucky thing. How much fun would that be?????

TRACEY - darling..... Happy Birthday..... I can't wait to meet up next month.

Oh but then I plan to have fun tomorrow myself. The Crunchy Nut Breakfast Show is back in town...... Shane my friend - I am so glad to have you back on the airwaves. But more than anything else it hit me yet again tonight how lucky we all are to have you here. Quit using those 9 lives.

One final addition

Yes well what can I say, busy weekend. Here is the final instalment... I was trying to work with colours that you perhaps wouldn't usually scrap together. Orange and Red seemed to work - or not work depending on how you look at it.

Weekends

I do love weekends. Even though I love my job, I love my home, it's warmth, it's comfort. I've always loved this house, from the very moment I stepped into it when we were looking for a place to buy. This house was just meant to be for me. It's the first house I have lived in where I've really felt I belonged. And there have been one or two over the years.... hmmmm 8 of them to be exact.

As I sit here, the world is just beginning to come into view and there are 3 kangaroos grazing on the back lawn. I'm listening to Sound of Sharks and yet for some reason it's not sounding so sad this morning. It's just a beautiful piece of music written with passion and feeling that plays in the background.

I woke at 5 this morning and so I have been sitting here for a wee while, decided to do some scrapping and came up with the LO below for Tammy's challenge at the Scrap Pile Christmas In July Cyber Crop. Scrap an every day photo using Christmas paper & embellishments. I'm pleased with this one.




And then there is this little gem which I finished last night but didn't take photos until this morning. For Shannon's challenge - decorate a box or a bag in a Christmas theme. It'll be a small gift that goes in this one, but I guess great gifts don't always come in big packages now do they.....








Plus I forgot to take a photo of my cards from the last CC in June - Shan's challenge of creating cards out of scraps. I kind of got a bit carried away with this as well. I quite enjoyed making these. Should have a go at a few more of them I think.





Lots to do today, so I suppose I should make a start on it all. Will have my head in books most of the day I suppose - oh and popping in to the forums and email once in a while to check up what the rest of you cyber crazies are up to!

Thank you Hayley for your fantastic work on the logo for Eyes Of Fire! I can't wait to show everyone how it looks.

Scrap Pile Cyber Crop

Another fun night at Scrap Pile last night. If you missed the crop you can still pick up a bargain in the store - because there is a storewide sale on right now. Check it out at Scrap Pile.

My Challenge was to scrap without a photo making a flower the central focal point of the layout, embellishments etc. Journaling to include "What Christmas Means to Me". This was the LO I came up with as my example. I love this one. It's much nicer in real life than any scan I could get would capture of it. And the gold sticker border stuff worked a treat.







I'm almost finished Shan's challenge of decorating a bag or a box for Christmas. I did another of those little boxes I made the "Secrets" box out of. And I'm hoping to also do Tammy's challenge as well before the weekend is up. Have still lots of bookwork to get out of the way though.

Everything happens for a reason...

It's a fairly profound statement and while I know that often the reason isn't clear at the time, it's a belief I hold to very much, that everything does indeed happen for a reason. Nothing teaches like the lessons of time and life. Although many would disagree I do think we all get wiser as we get older. We certainly are taught many lessons through our experiences in life. All of us learn something new each and every day, whether it's about ourselves or the people around us, but we do learn something new I think. Maybe not always exactly new, but something "more" might be a better description.

Each of us are wise in different ways. I think the key to really learning from the experience is what you do with the knowledge stored up there in the grey matter. The keys to happiness and success, love and relationships, health and wellbeing, are often as simple as going with your gut feeling and listening to your heart. If there is something I have learned in the past 46 years, it's to finally trust myself. Especially after the disaster of the past 11 years of my life. If I had trusted myself and listened to my heart, I could have saved myself a lot of pain and unhappiness and walked away a healthier person I'm sure. Certainly better off financially if nothing else.

But then I think there was a reason why that happened too. I know that it's made me more patient, more calm, more aware. It's proven to me that I have strength beyond anything I thought I had within me. It's opened my eyes to the utmost importance of honesty and integrity, trust and unconditional love, fairness and equality. It's also taught me that whatever "it" is - if it's meant to be - it will. And nothing you can do will change that. I have the maturity and the courage now to accept what's meant to be and move on from what's not whether in my personal or professional life.

There are reasons why the things that are happening in your life are happening too. Maybe it's to remind you how special some things or people are. Maybe it's to give you the courage to face your tomorrows. Maybe it's to give you a jolt of reality to remember just how short life really is. Maybe it's to tell you life is precious and you should be living every moment rather than just existing. Afterall, life by it's very own definition is living......

K.W.A.P.

It's a bit of an "in" joke these days but so much for spending a great birthday.... Aside from a very special couple of hours during the day - I would have to say this rates right up there with the all time WORST birthdays on record.......

However here is a pic of the inside of the BFC......

BFC

Well here it is - on the outside it probably doesn't look much.... but wait until we cut it tomorrow and you get to see the inside..... mmmmmmmmmmm BFC for breakfast... Hey Allen you lucky wee thing - you get to share the first slice tomorrow!!!!

For those NOT in the know - BFC = Black Forrest Cake. Baked it yesterday, filled it tonight - Eat it tomorrow.

Some Frost

WOW it was some Frost this morning. It's been so cold over night that the pipes froze and there was no running water this morning until 10:00 a.m. Nice.

Trying to figure out what my Challenge will be about for the Cyber Crop at Scrap Pile this coming Friday night. I think I have an idea that will suit but trying to get the layout done will be a challenge in itself. So much to do this weekend and still not even half way through it.

Should get off here I suppose and go and do some of it!

About Swimming

I think it's incredible, as you already know, that such talent has gone undiscovered for so long. I find it almost as incredible that up until now, no-one has pushed for the talent to be discovered. I'm so proud of my association with such beautiful music and I just wish I could do it more justice. I'm working on it. But when you find your feelings so incredibly captured by a piece of music, expressing more than you could ever express yourself in mere words, then it goes without saying that you find yourself moved and almost overwhelmed by the magic of the music itself. I finally found the courage to put this piece on the blog. Sound Of Sharks. It is the epitome of the fear and the frustration, the cold harsh reality of what "swimming with sharks" means to me. But it's hard to face your own reality. And as much as I have admired this piece since that very first morning I heard it - the feelings it evokes have been too close to home. If you are listening to the music - this is the sound of my sharks.

There are highs amongst the lows. There have to be otherwise you couldn't - wouldn't - continue to swim. I've described my pond of reality like a large pool of warm water. It's comfortable, but you know - somewhere - the sharks swim with you. And every now and then they bite. The teeth are sharp. The bites are painful. But the water is warm and soothing. And all you can hope for is that the sharks don't attack too often - too fiercely. I suppose the thing that keeps your focus is that you clearly aren't the only one experiencing those sharp teeth. And not being alone makes the experience bearable perhaps, but knowing someone else suffers in the same way, I guess gives you comfort and some reassurance.

There is a CD in the making - hopefully we'll get the few kinks I'm being fussy about ironed out soon. It's all piano pieces and when he told me the new stuff was probably some of the best he'd written, he wasn't just caught up in the moment. There are some incredibly passionate and emotional tracks that you just can't help but be moved by.

The past 6 months have been the most incredible journey of my life. I have been awakened to so many things. Exposed to so many things. Experienced so many things. All of which have made such incredible impact on my life. Regardless of the fact that I sometimes find myself so completely out of my depth, I am just so grateful for the amazing experiences. I think I have grown more in the past 6 months than I have in years before. My heart now knows not only it's full potential but also the amazing blessing of some incredibly important and wonderful people. As much as the road to this place in my life has been difficult and at times painful, I wouldn't trade where I am and who I am with for anything.... and I mean anything.

I have the most incredible close circle of friends. I cannot imagine my life any other way. We are all tragic together. We all have our sharks. But thankfully we are all there for one another.

My week has been full of highs and lows as one comes to expect. I was proud of Shane for facing the demons of the car accident. This week he went to see the car. Then yesterday as I was driving him home, I stopped after the accident point and got him to drive back through the curves, past the remainder of the tree that still lies by the side of the road. I know from my own experience it's not easy to get past the fear and the true test for him will be driving it at the same hour, and in the dark. But the strength and committment he shows in other aspects of his life will surely be reflected in his determination to beat this demon as well. So since he has now seen the car in person - here you see why he is one of the luckiest human beings on the face of the planet - to have survived such a frightening accident.

I am very much in anticipation of his return to the radio show. For me, Mondays have always been such fun on the radio with him, and I'm really missing that piece of the week. Hopefully Monday week will see him back on air again.

And finally those last couple of Layouts I did a couple of weeks ago...... Thanks to Shane and Allen for getting my computer back on the road again.

I have a busy weekend ahead of me. Not the least of which will be tomorrow baking a couple of mud cakes in an effort to get a Black Forrest Cake up and running for Tuesday. Ahh yes the big 46 is looming and I want Black Forrest Cake. It's too big and too expensive to cook it just for yourself, so morning tea at Otway FM on Tuesday should be worth visiting for!!!!!

Weekend Layouts

I've had a couple of layouts sitting here just waiting to be able to print out the photos.

Here is one I completed today entitled Awards & Rewards.

Special Request

OK I have a special request..... Can we just cancel last week and go back to say last Thursday and start all over again? If I had last Thursday back again I could do a few things differently, then again, maybe things are as they are meant to be and I should leave it all alone and let life take the course it's supposed to.

Monday was meant to be something to look forward to. The start of a new week, back to work on the Breakfast Show, having fun, working towards this radio station surging forward.... you know - all that week in week out stuff I always look forward to. And so off to work I go at 5:15 a.m.

Insert a placemarker here for where I'd really like to cancel the week....

Come 6:00 a.m. there I am at the radio station about to go to air - no Shane. So I get on air and I'm making all these jokes about how he's slept in for the 2nd week in a row and boy how he's going to pay for this..... Still nothing at 6:30 so I give his home number a quick call thinking this will wake him and he'll phone back. Nothing. By 7:00 a.m. I am fairly concerned. At 7:15 I get a phone call from his mobile.... I answer, it cuts out. I try to call back but there is no response. I figure well he's in range, it won't be long before he's here. Then a voice message comes through - he's been in a really bad car accident on the way in and is an ambulance being transported to the local hospital.

I'm not sure how to describe exactly what was going through my mind right at that particular moment. I do know that my immediate reaction was to just flick the switch on the radio back to the satellite feed, grab my purse and keys and bolt out the door. If anyone had come into the station, it would surely have looked like one of those old sci-fi movies where the victim had been beamed up because I just literally left everything and ran. But those words "really bad accident" kept resounding in my head along with visions of all kinds of unmentionable images and thoughts. I feared the worst and panic set in and it was all I could do to stay calm for the two blocks I had to drive to the hospital.

Just the sight of the ambulance set my heart pounding, and the frustration of having to wait while they got him in the emergency room and did the initial examination was almost more than I could bear. But it was such a relief to actually get in there and see him, although not such a relief to hear what has happened - a large tree had fallen across the road just over a rise and that he had slammed into it at about 80 kph in the dark at 5:30 a.m. That was when I started to shake and the realization that this accident could have had much worse consequences started to hit me.

To cut a long story short, after a few hours in emergency, and well men being men, him refusing to be kept in hospital, we did the rounds of the pharmacy for painkillers etc, and then dropped off the doctors certificate to his work. Not wanting to see the car, I left him there and I headed off to the panel beaters to pick up the computers and other items that had been in the car that morning.

Here comes moment of awakening #2 - seeing the car up there on the back of the tow truck and the damage. It was really at that point that I lost it. I've taken photos of the car but I'll refrain from posting them here because he's not yet ready to look at it, but suffice to say that I cannot believe how lucky he was to walk away from this accident. Another few kph faster and I suspect the message in this blog would have been quite different. Needless to say the computers weren't too well having gone from 80 k to nothing in the space of about a couple of cms. But I salvaged what I could including some rather scratched "Grumpo" CD's that were supposed to be mailed out that morning to radio stations & the like. By the time I got back to his work I was pretty upset and managed to do the very grown up thing of bursting into tears. What can I say. When you realise your best friend could have died a few hours ago, it can be emotional to say the least.

All I can be grateful for is that aside from a great deal of pain and I suspect a lot more bruising to come - the outcome was so much less dramatic than it could have been. And I am grateful for that. It just brings to home how fragile life is and how much we take for granted that our own lives and those of the people we care for will be there tomorrow. And the fact is that life is so very fragile - it can be there one moment and gone the next. Never take anything, especially those you care about, for granted. Your next moment could be your last and you may live to regret that last moment for the rest of your life.

The rest of the week has been a blur of fatigue, stress and taking stock of what's important. I guess that could be considered normal in view of how the week started out. I always had a belief that things happened for a reason. I must admit that there have been a few things lately that have occurred that I just simply don't understand the WHY of them happening. But I'm trying.

One final thing before this computer dies yet again tonight.... Allen - I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Not only for your friendship and your support within the radio station, but also for your wisdom and your ongoing concern for me personally. There have been so many moments over the past few weeks where my faith and my strength have wained, but your honesty and your encouragement have kept me afloat in that pond of reality. I am so very grateful for your friendship and your love. I am so very proud to call you a true friend and so very blessed to have you in my life right now.

Rainy Sundays

Awake at the usual 4:00 a.m. thing. Body clocks are such a wonderful thing really aren't they. So I finished off my July Design Team layout, although this wasn't really a layout.... I covered a little box I've had sitting here for ages. Plus I had a bit of fun playing around with Lakeisha's new camera. Can't believe she went away for the weekend and didn't take it. Gee what a shame! LOL It might just go missing every now and then I think because it doesn't take a bad photo and has so many options. Anyway here is my "Secrets" box. But if I tell you what's in it - I'd have to kill you....

Sad life really

I'm actually feeling a little sad that my life seems to be in a bit of turmoil at the moment. Blogging has surely suffered. Where I used to post more often, now more likely it's a weekly thing when I get a moment on the weekend. And yet so many things happen throughout the week that I am just simply too tired to document here during the week. Mind you I think there are from time to time some negative thoughts that are probably best left off the documentation of life. Times where one feels like they come 2nd to everything else. Coming 2nd isn't something I'm used to or even able to accept. What can I say - it's the perfectionist streak that strives to be #1 in everything. But sadly there are certain aspects of my life where I know I will always be in second place and for a perfectionist - coming to terms with that sends one to that pond of reality once or twice - swimming with you know what.

Yes I know Allen.... be grateful for the life I have. I'm hearing you. Really I am. But when it's cold, miserable, you're alone and the sharks are circling, it's hard to keep treading water for days on end.