Thursday, October 30, 2008

Dodgey photos

I hate dodgey photos but I didn't get time to take decent ones.... so here are the dodgey photos of my mini album made yesterday for the Colac Show... nothing like leaving things until the last minute. It was a lot of fun to make. Hopefully next week I will be able to take some better quality photos of it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Newest creations.

Just scanned my latest creations. This layout has actually been sitting on the desk for a couple of weeks because I couldn't exactly figure out what I wanted to do with it. My recent trip to the new Kaisercraft store in Geelong fixed that. I'm actually finally really happy with what I came up with. This double layout is my entry for the Colac Show which is this weekend. Fingers crossed someone likes it almost as much as I do anyway..... Entitled "She/He" and no I didn't get the words on the wrong pages LOL... thanks Lakeisha.

Plus the cards I made for the Christmas Card Swap on Scrap Pile which I finally finished off earlier in the week and have now mailed out....

Thinking at night..

It's something else he and I share.... Sometimes it's a good thing, other times it's not. It carries you to so many places. It takes you soaring at great heights but it can also lead you into dark spaces. It can be triggered by memories of the past or dreams for the future. It can be your worst waking nightmares or your most coveted special hopes. The thing is - for me at least - regardless of whether the thinking is good or bad - the thinking at night is emotionally intense, far more intense than anything experienced during the day. Perhaps it's the darkness, and a feeling of being alone, even at times when you are not. Sometimes I just know the thinking in the dark brings with it a clarity that daylight clouds. Sometimes I just know things in the dark. It's facing them in the harsh reality of the day that's difficult.

And so came this piece of music you listen to now (or that you can listen to here) called "The Uncertainty Of Thinking At Night." I have so many favourite piano pieces right now, each of them evokes emotion as I am sure they do for their amazing creator. And I keep thinking how this incredible talent deserves so much to be heard and appreciated by the masses. And I keep thinking how lucky I am to have the amazing support and love of this man.

There are times when life seems so fragile. I know it is always fragile, but sometimes we don't think about it at all. You can't spend all your time worrying about the what-if's. You live your life each day the best you can and make the most of the time you have. At least that is what I'm trying to do. But sometimes you are reminded how temporary life is. It's when people you care about become ill or pass away that you are reminded of just how fragile life is and the saddness and pain of losing the ones you love. Right now I'm thinking about two people in hospital, both with cancer, and one who passed away recently, all of whom I've known all of my life. I'm sad for them. I'm sad (and a little afraid) for those they'll leave behind. Perhaps it's because I've known them all for so long, and although I've not seen any of them every day of my life, it's a strange feeling of a loss or pending loss of something that has just always been there. It's like losing grip of the constants in life. Somehow making it less secure, less stable.

Hug those you love and never miss the opportunity to tell them. I was once told saying "I love you" should only be kept for those intense special moments. I don't know about that. I think if you feel it, you should say it. If I say it too often, it just means I love you a lot every moment of the day and night - not that it's something to say in the absence of other words. You may have noticed that expressing my thoughts has never been a difficulty. Perhaps containing my feelings may have been......

Monday, October 27, 2008

Avoiding the unavoidable.

Sometimes I think there is just no escaping the past. It seems to sneak up on you when you least expect it. As much as there are some experiences you would like to forget existed, despite your best efforts they just lie there.... waiting..... Those memories from the past awakened by even the most minor similarities. Triggered by the faintest reminder. And even though the connection often makes absolutely no sense what so ever - the emotions that follow can be as devastating as the original event.

As much as we would like to bury the past, I suspect many of us experience these recurring waking nightmares. And even though you know in your heart that the reality of the present bares no resemblance to the pain of the past, sometimes it's difficult to separate the emotions. The pain of being betrayed is something that is difficult to set aside. Words spoken can never be taken back. I don't think the wounds ever really heal. Not entirely.

There have been many wounds. I think I do a pretty good job of patching them up. But sometimes they re-open and with it comes the pain of the past. What can you do.... except grit your teeth, bandage them up, and hope in time you heal.

Thank god for faith. Where the hell would we be without hope for the future.

Friday, October 24, 2008

The End

Well sort of the end. The end of school at least. Ahh yes. Year 12 Muck Up Day. At least I can confirm there was lots of Muck. I had contemplated NOT staying but everyone was great and left two poor diligent mums out in the middle of the action without so much as a drift of silly string near us - although the cloud of flour did make keeping the camera lens clean somewhat difficult. So here are a few of the photos.... lots more to come.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Magician

He really is you know. He'll fob it off as just an expression of feelings and thoughts - as though it's something we are all capable of doing as easily as he finds it comes to him, but he is a magician when it comes to music. There have been a number of beautiful piano pieces and some other quality tracks of various genres pumping out from the studio these past couple of weeks. Two of them particularly appealed to me at this point in time. One you now listen to (or if you are reading archives and the "tune" has changed you can hear it HERE which is called "Beaky" and was created from the feelings of both sadness and happy memories of Sabrina. The other one I managed to miss putting on my memory stick so it's inclusion to my list of "love to listen to" will be slightly delayed. In the meantime - enjoy.... thank you darling!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


I should have added - despite the fact that it's so cold here this morning I had to light the fire to try to get warm.... here are a few pics of one of my favourite plants - my Azaleas which are flowering an absolute treat at the moment. Thought I would share a bit of blooming Merriyank spring with you!

Human nature.

We're a strange bunch at times I think. Although we like to think of ourselves as being quite unique, so very much different to those around us, more often we fall into the same patterns of behaviour and simply fail to see it.

I'm often struck by how much fear plays a huge role in all our lives. It may be a fear of rejection or a fear of facing something from the past, a fear of failure or a fear of losing something/someone valued. But fear is such a common every day thing, I think we often don't even realise it's what is behind the way we behave. Sometimes I think the actions are a sort of subconcious response but sometimes it's very deliberate. Often it's old patterns of behaviour or old learned responses that can trigger the reaction or behaviour. I'm trying to learn to let those fears go as best I can, but sometimes it's difficult and by the time I've recognised it for what it is, I've already put myself through the agonizing that comes hand in hand with the fear.

It's not just me though, and I suppose that's what makes it bearable, knowing that others experience the fear and feel the need to react. Sharing a job with someone can be an interesting experience. You get the feeling that information is withheld, the other person fears their job isn't secure unless they hold some information that no one else does. Dealing with past lives that we've left behind (or that have left us) brings with it a dread of reliving the unpleasant feelings that we experienced at the time. Not facing the reality of something in your life, even though it's obvious to everyone else (and likely yourself) but choosing not to see it because the truth of the situation just holds too many questions about where it leaves you. Constantly seeking attention and stressing about the fact that no one is taking any notice of you, or commenting on what you're doing, what you've created, what you've said, because it feels as though everyone is rejecting you.... There have been so many examples I've come across in just the past week - all of them based around some kind of fear of something. We are all so much more alike than we'd care to admit.

Shane asked me why I thought I didn't blog as much these days. Given I know there have been a number of regular visitors to this site and clearly since the posts become less frequent so do their visits, my response was - "Who the hell wants to read that I'm happy?" As much as I want to announce to the world that I'm currently one of the happiest women on the face of the planet - who really wants to know. I'm not by nature a bragger. A bit of an exhibitionist at times, a class clown at others, but not a bragger.

I believe, and of course I may be wrong, but I do believe the majority of people found this blog "appealing" to read because of the pain and saddness, and given it was, at the time, my source of therapy along with my scrapbooking, there was plenty of pain and saddness to be read. It's a bit like that weird phenomenon of the traffic accident where no matter how busy or in a hurry people are in their day, they will always slow down and take the time to look at a traffic accident but speed right by the pretty flower gardens. My life has been a lot more traffic accident than pretty flower garden over the couple of years I've been blogging - and people slowed down to look. More than anything it probably made a whole bunch of people feel better about their own lives. And hey, that's fine too. It maybe makes the fear less scary. You look at your own life and then look at the traffic accidents and say, well hey my life sucks, but look at them!

My life is far from perfect. I still have my fears, I still have the usual issues to deal with that come with family, money, hopes and dreams. But for the first time in a very long while, I am happy. Having an amazing man in my life who is everything I knew he would be, and a beautiful daughter who's strength and capacity for love is inspiring, how could I not be happy. She never tidy's her room and he spills food on his clothes - so don't get me wrong - they're not perfect either, they're normal, just as normal as you and I. But they make me incredibly happy knowing they are such an important part of MY life and that's more than enough.

It was such a nice surprise last night when the phone rang and it was Paul. Such a relief to hear him sounding like him, which despite that sounding like a very Irish comment, under the circumstances it wasn't something I expected to be honest. It shows the character of people under stressful times, those who I admire most just say OK well here I am, nothing I can do about it, lets just get on with life and deal with it. To say I'm proud of the boy is an understatement. It's hard to believe it's been a month today since we were all in Melbourne that very unpleasant day. One down - 9 to go.

Lakeisha decided at the 11th hour to play summer netball this year again - after a break of 3 years.... As much as I'd like to talk about it - I fear (there's that word yet again) for my life if I tell you the score so we'll just forget it happened and move on to the next subject.

Sadly tomorrow I have a funeral to attend. My Godmother passed away on Sunday. Although I haven't visited her lately, she was often in my thoughts and will remain there for all days.... RIP Aunty Tess. You are remembered fondly.

And this week there was a little scrapbooking. This effort for Simonne's sketch challenge at Scrap Pile. Entitled "The Sydney Experience"...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Hating goodbyes.

One of the things I have always hated about having dogs is the part where they get old or sick and you have to face the moment of saying goodbye. Each and every one over the years has played an integral part of our lives. We have watched them grow, observed their various different personalities, learned their quirky little habits, and let them into our hearts. Saying goodbye, even after some 30 years of goodbyes, never NEVER gets any easier.

In July 2001, a little black furball came into our lives, the product of some fancy American breeding. She was tiny but as she grew, what she lacked in stature she made up for in her engaging personality. We called her Sabrina, but more often she was known as "The Bean" or "Beaky". She wasn't the most social of our crew, but she loved and was loved in return. Unimportantly she won quite a few ribbons, more importantly she won our hearts.

Tonight she suffers no more discomfort, and she will no doubt be remembered fondly and often... Sleep peacefully my sweet Bean.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The other thing you do

when you can't sleep of course is card making. Well OK granted not EVERYONE does it, but for me it beats lying awake thinking sometimes. And so here is a card I made for Jewls October challenge at Scrap Pile. The challenge was to make a round card. The challenge really was in the cutting of the circle using a transparency. Not exactly a perfect circle but my excuse is - if it didn't have a few flat spots it would just roll around the table.... works for me.....

And so much for additional sleep.....