Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Being in control.

It's a funny thing when I am in a phase of trying to let go of the need to be in control - and one of the most difficult things I am having trouble with is controlling not doing something I know I shouldn't. The desire to make a phone call or at least send a text message today to Shane has been almost impossible to resist. But I know that while things remain as they are, I don't have the strength to say no and he doesn't have the strength to resist the urge to cross the line in the sand. And rather than me allow the situation to degenerate to a point that doesn't do justice to the relationship I know we had, I guess I have to exercise this one bit of control over myself to make sure that doesn't happen.

I don't get how someone can think about someone else constantly and not see it for what it is. I don't get how someone can think they honestly are in love and doing justice to one relationship when they are constantly thinking about and missing another person (and telling them so). So much so that you would drive almost an hour out of your way to see them and say you just needed to be close to them and show them the new suit you bought and especially not at 7:00 in the morning!!!!!

When you are in love with someone and happy with that person - you just don't have eyes for anyone else. At least that's how I interpret a happy relationship. If you are happy and fulfilled you don't have a need to seek anything anywhere else. Enlightenment comes in different ways to different people I guess. It's all about that "being different" thing again, and I appreciate that we don't all see things in the same way or in the same time. There are some things in my life that I'm doing that I don't understand why. And I want to understand why so I can do it better in the future. I'd suggest that there are a few other people out there in the world who are pretty confused about why they are doing what they are doing - maybe they should consider getting some help from an unbiased source as well... We'd all be better off I think.

For my own efforts of changing the patterns of my life - I have taken some steps to free myself of the frustrations in my life at this time. Don't die of shock but one of the things I have done is to hand in my resignation with the radio station - I finish up in 6 weeks or before if I end up with a full time job, but either way April 18th I'm out of here. It's become a vicious cycle of me being the one who has to do everything and feeling as though I don't have assistance from many of the members. I have never thought change was a bad thing, but I do believe in things running smoothly and everyone being happy about the work they are doing. Right now I'm not feeling happy, and given it's a volunteer position anyway, I think the demands placed on me really are beyond reasonable expectations, the hours are horrendous, and the responsibility not equally shared. It's not one person or even a few. I think that given the membership of the station - there are plenty of people out there who could offer to do a whole bunch more than they have been and there lies the problem.

Frank and I chatted about the option of continuing to do a breakfast program together. We do really enjoy it and thought maybe we would cut it down to 2 hours instead of 3 and perhaps do two shows a week instead. But beyond that I think there is not anything I want to be involved in aside from perhaps keeping up the supply of new popular music to the station. And it's surprisingly a decision that sits well with me. In some respects a bit of a relief. It has certainly served it's purpose well for me at least. I have made some very valuable friendships, learned so much about radio, music, production, and also importantly it has given me a far greater sense of confidence in my ability to go beyond my comfort zones and proven to me that I can learn new things in far wider horizons I ever thought possible. So it's been a very good thing.

But as they say - one door closes and another one opens. It's time and I am hoping I will be ready to forge ahead through wherever that door may lead...... Focus on what you want - not on what you fear right??????

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