Tools of the Trade
I think this man was just so astounded that Murray could leave such a mess behind and expect me to try to make some sense of it. Brushcutters that had pieces missing and of the some 11 Brushcutters in the shed - only two would start. Chainsaws once again with pieces missing, half put back together, some would start, others wouldn't - but at least two of them were listed for sale at a price that was $100 OVER that of a new one!! At some point in our conversation I suggested perhaps I could try to phone Murray and he could speak with him about some of the confusion we seemed unable to resolve. His response was "No I don't think I would have the patience to speak with him right at the moment."
He has taken some of the gear in the hope of selling it on for me. I was just so overwhelmed by the mess Murray has left that it made me realise just how selfish and arrogant the man is to look after himself and not give a shit about how his family was going to deal with all of this. Like I know anything about chainsaws or brushcutters for a start. He had miscounted numbers of things and been totally unrealistic about the price of others. It's all just such a huge mess that I have no idea what I am going to do and how I am going to make up the shortfall of money.
Also on Friday I went to my GP since I had been experiencing unexplained stomach pain for 2 days which surprise surprise the GP has put down to stress. In the course of relaying my life dramas to him, he asked "what's his name?" - "Oh I remember him, I did his medical for the job - He certainly seemed eager to leave Colac that's for sure and appeared to be quite glad that the business was closed down." After that I met with a counsellor for an hour to talk about the situation. She gave me some homework to do - one of the main things was to take the paperwork I was supposed to be doing for Murray's Tax from before we got together and put it in a bag out of sight. It's not my responsibility and since he has made it clear he doesn't want me in his life then clearly he doesn't deserve to have me spend hours trying to clean up his mess. So I've done that. I've also taken every last piece of clothing he left behind and packed them into garbage bags as well to be stored in the garage. Be a shame won't it if the mice take a liking to them for nesting - but I don't have room for them in my life now. Down came all the photos and all his possessions as well. He isn't here, so there isn't room for his things either.
I've also made an appointment to see an amazing lady counsellor for next week who I know will call a spade a spade and get me to the level of thinking I need to be right now. In actual fact this woman told me a year ago that she thought I was quote "pushing shit uphill with a stick" and it just goes to show that I need to listen to people more when they speak about things I am clearly too lovestruck to see for myself. I am still disappointed and feeling sad that I wasn't enough to make the difference in this man's life but I have known all along the problems that have been his - the problem of not dealing with money properly and the problem of pushing people away when they get too close and the problem of just pushing the bad stuff aside and moving on. The problem he has being faithful in a relationship EVERY TIME. The problem he has needing those other women in his life. The problem he has of lying. They are all things HE chooses to do and I doubt very much whether any of the women who have been in his life have deserved the poor treatment they have had from him. This time he chose to do them to the only person who has ever supported him completely, taken an active interest in his work which is THE most important thing in his life, and stood by him in times of hardship. Sure as hell no one else was STUPID enough to loan him $100,000..... Nope - I excelled on that one.
No one in his life before him has ever accepted him for who he is and understood and cared for him this much, and certainly no one has ever forgiven him for all things I have. But then I suspect he just saw in me a mealticket who would get him what he wanted. I could have done no more for this relationship than I did and for the one mistake I did make of not going to all the crappy meetings with him when the business was on the way out he is now focusing on to blame me for not supporting him. And I admit that was my one mistake.... my one effort of not doing what I should have done. I regret that I chose to be angry at him for not showing me the love and support that I needed and as a payback I withdrew my support from him. But don't get me wrong - I don't regret it for him - I regret it for me. I didn't let him down - he probably only got what he deserved anyway - I regret it for me because I let myself down by stooping to his pettiness. I will forgive myself for it but I do regret it.
So here I stand at yet another crossroad in my life where the streets are named Uncertainty and Unknown, and the road ahead of me looks pretty bleak. And yet as I turn to look back to where I came from, I know that nothing ahead of me can be as dark as the tunnel of deception from which I've just emerged..........