Importance of Being Yourself

A long time ago I think I became someone else. In fact I think I became so someone else that I no longer even recognised myself. I'm sure I was still there somewhere, but I was so busy being something for everyone else that the real me simply ceased to exist. And when those around me complained about the person I was, I simply bent and twisted myself yet again to reshape and be what they wanted me to be. I think that happened until one day I just bent and twisted once too often and finally snapped. That was when the reality of where I was really hit me and maybe even though it was a very long time coming, it happened at the right time to actually get my attention.

I realised even today some new things about myself that perhaps I had known or perhaps I had just not given much thought to, but even if I did know them, today they kind of occurred to me in a way that something that you didn't already know would occur to you. One of the main things I realised is that I am so very lucky to have the people and things I have in my life. And while I know I've said that before in posts to this blog, today had a slightly different slant on my perception of it. I realised today that there is such a greater depth to the relationships I form with people now and I think it's because I'm truly being me, truly being true to me and to my own heart and mind. And as much as anything else, I'm so grateful to have the confidence in myself to start to do that now.

I wish the confidence was always there, but it's not. There are still moments when I doubt not only myself, but the people around me and their motives. Old habits die hard I guess. Thankfully sometimes moments occur, things are said, that restore the faith in odd ways, odd in such a way as perhaps they weren't meant as reassurance, but it came very clearly across that way. Sometimes those odd moments can be even more reassuring. A look, a touch can sometimes express so much more than words of some rehearsed speech. We tell people that we love them often, but sometimes those words come so deeply from the heart that they take on even more meaning and sometimes those looks and touches reach your heart in a way words simply cannot convey.

I've had a lifetime of people pushing my buttons, so the last thing I want to do is to live my life that way now. And even though in those moments of doubt I fall into the same old trap of being tempted to do the twist and bend thing again... so far I've resisted and I'm re-educating myself to believe that if I'm enough it will be enough, and if I'm not then it wasn't meant to be to begin with.

Everything in life is dependant upon the choices you make for yourself. I didn't always make good life choices for me in the past. Am I making good choices now? Hell I don't know. I suppose only time will tell. Sometimes it isn't quite as simple as choosing between good and bad. Sometimes the choices you are faced with are impossible. Sometimes the choices aren't about what you can't live with - it's what you can't live without. At the end of the day - it's either enough or it's not - and there isn't anything else you can do about it.

Another week over

Well another weekend has come and gone. Where the heck are the days going? I managed to finish off 2 layouts for Scrap Pile this weekend. One I can't post yet because it's the Challenge for next week's Cyber Crop (which by the way is on Friday night 29th June and Justine & Mel have some GREAT prizes on offer so if you are a scrapper - get your scrapbutt over there for some fun...)

The other one I am absolutely thrilled with. When I got the DT pack with this paper in it - ok well I have to admit I thought WHAT THE????? Seriously girls - what were you thinking? LOL But now that I've done the layout I am actually really grateful that I got it. Not only is this probably one of my most favourite layouts - but I am also feeling really chuffed that I managed to meet the challenge of scrapping something I would seriously NEVER buy in a million years... LOL So as you can tell I am pretty pleased with myself - and here is the final product. Given there is lots of "glitter" on the pp and lettering, it looks a lot better in real life, but hopefully you get the drift of it. Entitled "Skin Deep"....


And finally here is the Layout I did last weekend as my Design Team LO for Scrap Pile entitled So Sweet.


Today though, mostly my thoughts were with my dearest friend Shane who has had a very stressful and draining weekend. You are my guru in stuff my friend, and I am both in total admiration and also in fear of your efforts to help people who have been suffering, especially on this troubled weekend where so many were looking to you for answers. I don't think I have ever met anyone quite like this man in my lifetime. He continues to amaze and astound me at the depth of his existence, his passion and his incredible ability to be there when needed. God knows I have been the recipient of many of those times of need. As always I am very proud to call you my friend and even more proud that you call me yours. You are truly one beautiful human being.

Making A Difference

The events of this week have brought to home just how much of an impact not only people have on our lives, but also of the impact we have on theirs. As we go through each day we meet so many people, some we know, some we don't. But these days in our busy lives, often there is little or no thought that goes into the input of even the shortest most insignificant contact we have with people - right down to even just passing someone on the street. Something as simple as a smile to a stranger on the street can make an impact regardless of how brief, it can be a touching moment that may well be remembered throughout the day.

I have been so fortunate to have some very special people in my life who's impact has been so immense that it has essentially shaped the way of the future. But there have also been those strangers on the street, whose faces are now a blur to me, but who I remember nonetheless smiled at me or bid me good morning purely "in the moment" even though we had never before met. Like the lady, standing, waiting with me in an office who out of the blue complimented me on my outfit. Or another lady who complimented me on my perfume in a very long and frustrating line at the supermarket one evening. I don't know them. They don't know me. Likely we may never again meet or recognise one another. But they are moments in my life I remember for no particular reason other than they happened.

Often we don't know the impact we have on others and probably more often than not it isn't something that occupies our thoughts. But we should all be aware of the incredible effect even the smallest kindness can have on the people we come in contact with.

I know today unfortunately someone I care about deeply will be dealing with the impact of friendship and seeking the words to express the feelings of many who are grieving for the loss of a friend. If there is one thing I have learned, it's that we all have our sharks. They can take many forms and attack us in quite different ways. Sometimes we have the strength to keep swimming but sometimes unfortunately the sharks are too hungry or the swimmer is unable to keep treading water. Explanation and understanding at these times are not always easy to come by. But knowing you had enough impact to be included under the heading "friend" is enough to realise that the impact you did have brought joy and happiness at some time.

In the pursuit of happiness there are so many times we find ourselves at the crossroads of life, unsure about the direction to take or indeed, even if we should move from where we are. If you are honest with yourself, the only direction you CAN take is the one that your heart guides you toward and that you feel most drawn to. Life is so precious and so short. Life is to be lived. I have learned from my own experience that simply existing does nothing to enrich your life and keep the passion and fire for living, alive.

The only thing worse than swimming with the sharks is not being in the pond of life to begin with. But when you find yourself surrounded by the sharks - who is it you turn to as your lifeguard?

Is It Really Worth The Effort?

People are such funny things really. Just when I think I have them worked out, stuff happens, comments are made, and I feel like I'm back to square one. You can share the best of times and yet things can turn to crap in an instant. You end up asking yourself is it really worth the effort.

A few blogs back I quoted an email I had received from The Daily Om about focusing on the positive. As much as I try to do that in every aspect of my life - that pond of reality sometimes has a whirlpool in the middle of it that just drags you down to the depths below. You realise that no matter how much you put into something, it's a no win situation. Someone always seems to lose. No matter how hard I try, somehow it never seems to be enough. This is the lesson I've been "taught" over and over. It's like a never ending cycle that is so very hard to break.

After spending what could only be described as a next to perfect day, night falls and I'm back swimming with the sharks yet again. Not even a new CD can save me from the teeth tonight.

The Saturday Files

Thought I would post at least one of the layouts I managed to do today. I'll post the other one when I get the instructions written out since it was my Design Team LO for Scrap Pile.

This photo was taken in the hospital where Lakeisha was born, when she was only a few days old. I actually hate the photo but love it as well if you can make sense of that....

Hectic week over

WOW What a week. Not a lot of drama, just a lot of hours. Days kind of have a habit of running into one another in my life at the moment. And despite the fact that there are still a few unsettling and unresolved issues that I'm not quite sure how to tackle, the week was pleasingly encouraging. I guess the only real low points were an irate person with some moral issues that we are just likely never going to agree on, and another person who despite my best efforts, continues to overstep boundaries that are clearly defined.

This makes me a bit sad on all accounts. It's hard enough to exist in this world without having to justify what you do to all and sundry. The decisions I make - whether in my professional or my personal life - are just that. My decisions. I don't claim that every decision I make is right. Some of them may not be particularly wise either. But I make them because I see them as being the best choice I can make at that particular time for whatever reason and more often than not I've learned to go with my gut feeling because it has proven to serve me well in the past. Whether others approve or disapprove morally isn't really of the utmost in the decision making process. Simply put - the desire for the best outcome is. So be it.

Of course I woke early again this morning.... that damn body clock again waking me at 4:00 a.m. I gave up lying there after an hour and a half of thinking about things and people, got up, and after spending a bit of time catching up on email etc, I actually started my first Design Team layout for Scrap Pile. Aside from the title, which is still drying, I got the whole thing finished and am really pleased with it. Probably won't be able to scan it until tomorrow. Kindy Glitz is a fantastic product, but a pain in the proverbial to dry. So tomorrow for pictures, but I am just glad to have the layout out of the way so I won't be trying to rush it later when I'm really tired.

Needless to say I'm still up - didn't get back to bed. But hey - it's Saturday. Worst case scenario - a nanna nap this afternoon! LOL

Still no news that I know of about Leigh's dad. I keep thinking of them from time to time and every time I do, I feel that pang of my heart knowing they must be in such pain not knowing where he is. I hope there is some resolution soon.

There were good things to come out of this week though, including greater understanding of some of the people I care about most, and a committment from the Radio Station to at least pay me a minimal wage that would see me be able to continue working there beyond my June 22nd cut off point. The latter brings me a little optimism as I have to say the prospect of having to leave this job that I love so much wasn't making me feel all that warm and fuzzy for so many reasons. Suffice to say it hasn't actually happened yet, but if it does, then you will be reading the blog of the happiest woman on the planet - both professionally and personally.

It just goes to show that a little bit of sleep really does help you to swim in the reality pool of Life with the sharks afterall.

Monday Monday....

Strange really to be typing on a Monday about the weekend..... And I can't believe the 3 days have gone so quickly but such is life at the moment. Time seems to just breeze by me and I feel like I'm being left behind.

After the huge buildup of the week, I have to admit that the weekend was a little bit of a disappointment. I really did need the rest and so unfortunately I didn't get many of the things done that I know SHOULD have been done. But I guess they will still be there waiting tomorrow and the next day. And I am grateful that I got to spend at least some time with the people I love this weekend. No matter how short the time may be, I am grateful even though sometimes my inability to conceal disappointment may overshadow that somewhat. Quality over quantity - making the very best of the time you do spend with loved ones is what is important. And you ARE very very important.

My heart does go out though to my dear friends Leigh & Anne-Marie Hearn. Leigh's father has gone missing from his home in Melbourne. When I spoke with Leigh on Saturday they had received no news at all and I can only imagine the terrible sense of fear and confusion they must be experiencing right now not knowing where he is or indeed how he is. I hope that some news - any news - is to hand soon, but pray that it's good news. In a situation like this though, the waiting must be dreadful.

It seems I am in the mood to scrap since I've managed to create 2 layouts this weekend. This one is for the 2nd part of the Queens Birthday Challenge at Scrap Pile. Entitled Summer Memories - the photos were taken during our family Camping holidays to Lorne. The challenge was to use 5 photos, buttons, brads and chipboard. The photos and title are mounted on the chipboard. I did have a bit of trouble deciding on exactly how this should all sit on the page - but finally after a few suggestions from my "scrapping fan club" I came up with this.

But my big news for the weekend is that I was accepted to the new Design Team for The Scrap Pile. All my scrapping friends are on Scrapbook.com but I have to say that Scrap Pile still holds a very special place in my heart as it was one of the things that kept me going throughout the very stressful months at the end of last year. The site and the Design Team position was something that helped keep my mind from wandering to those dark places of my life and for that and more I will always be grateful. So I am very proud to be a DT member once again and I can't wait to see what Justine & Melissa have put together for their first kit. I just hope that I can live up to the expectations they have for the DT and what we can achieve. I guess time will tell.

I should get off here and get to bed. That 4:00 a.m. alarm will be going off in too few hours time and given I've caught up on a little sleep this weekend, I'd like to start the week off at least looking halfway fresh and normal.

Latest layout

If you can believe it - I've actually scrapped something.... a LO for the Queens Birthday weekend Challenge at Scrap Pile. This one entitled Just B'n Silly - as only the Boofcheese and I can be........

Try not to choke on your Crunchy Nuts....

OK now for all the crap I've copped for not being a sports follower...... I actually think I might start barracking for the Western Bulldogs in AFL. HEY don't give me a hard time. I used to be a one eyed Hawthorn supporter when "Dermie" was playing. What can I say - I just lived up the road and he was pretty cute. But I've just been watching the first quarter of the Bulldogs vs Brisbane match. Of course BOOFCHEESE is a Brisbane supporter - but I'm an "underdog" kind of girl - and I thought last year the Bulldogs were pretty good - but just lacked a few mature players and even though I wish sometimes he would just shut the hell up - I do have a bit of a soft spot for Jason Akermanis...... So what the heck. I might get into the swing of AFL and be a Bulldog's supporter for a year....... oops - the game is back on. Gotta go!

Treading water & other survival courses....

I'm actually grateful for the long weekend this weekend. I think I am in dire need of some TLC and rest. Some respite from both a physically and emotionally tiring week. Trying to find a balance between what I want and what I need, what's required of me and what I'm prepared to give, and as always facing the reality of every aspect of my life, is challenging. It's not that I'm not up to the challenge, but I am aware of my own limits and when I am tired, so it goes that I tend to be emotional, and some things weigh at those times far more heavily than they would normally. I have to constantly ask myself is the situation really that bad or am I just over reacting due to fatigue. Sometimes I don't have the answers to that question either so it leaves me a bit frustrated. And so this was the week that was.....

I had a long conversation with my dear friend Allen last night, who has not so surprising to me managed to become in a very short space of time one of my closest confidante's, allies and friends and for whom I care about a great deal. We spoke of many things, but in particular about the importance of seeing things for what they really are. The importance of valuing the quality of the things in your life and not falling into the trap of thinking something was wrong just because it didn't fit your idea of what it should be. It actually reminded me of a tale that I hadn't thought much about recently, but one that I had placed such importance in the past. That story of the dead rat......

I think it was a Dr. Phil thing - where he talked about the fact that he had a cat and it had brought him a gift one day - a gift of a dead rat. His wife had been disgusted and thrown it out and scolded the cat and even though he wasn't keen on rats either, when he thought about it he realised what an important gift it was to the cat. The cat had taken no doubt considerable time and skill to catch the rat, and even though it could have been a source of food for the cat, the cat gave the rat to him as a gift. His lesson was never underestimate the value of a dead rat. In other words, gifts don't always come to you in the form you anticipate or expect, so you need to look at the gift for what it is, not for what you wanted to receive.

I have been given a great gift for which I know I am incredibly lucky, of that I have no doubt. The difficulty is that it has not been packaged quite the way I would have liked, at least not my ideal packaging. And so I have struggled with the acceptance of the gift at all. But on some level I do realise that this gift even as it is packaged is of far greater value and given with such unconditional love that it's without doubt the greatest gift I have received in my entire life. And so the struggle I have is to accept it for what it is worth and cease the destructive, negative thinking. It's true what they say - it's difficult to teach old dogs new tricks - but knowing dogs as I do, all it takes is a little patience, kindness and understanding. They usually find ways to adapt to the new lifestyle changes and come round eventually. Especially when they see the reward at the other end is worth the trouble it takes to learn the lesson.......

I do also have some grave concerns for my future at the radio station and that brings me real pain as well because I love this job so much. But since my 6 months grace with "Centrelink" is almost up and I have serious doubts as to whether the station can afford to pay me enough to keep me employed which means applying for jobs elsewhere. This job suits me for so many reasons that it depresses me even thinking about having to leave it. All the realities in my life at the moment possess the teeth of sharks and so when they bite - they hurt like hell.

It's moments like these I really wish I could swim....

Weekend roundup

Ahhh yes - what a weekend.... and to complete it - Folks - I have been "Depp'ed". No nothing rude - I've been to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie At Worlds End tonight. FINALLY. And it gets the big thumbs up from me. I think it's a bit different from the other two. The boat scenes are very graphic this time, excellent I think. The storyline is better than movie 2 but I think movie 1 is still my favourite. I think Captn Jack is probably featured more and is a bit more funny/adorable in movie 1. He's probably more the bad boy in 1, and well hey what can I say, I'm a sucker for the bad boys. He's more serious in this movie but damnit - he's still sexy enough to put his cutlass under my bed ANYTIME HE LIKES..... LOL.

And now that I've checked with Justine, I'll post my other scrapbooking LO from this weekend. Entitled Growing In The Garden Of Life..... Hopefully if you click on it you can read the journaling easily. The photos up close of the details were taken with my mobile phone since I don't have a digital camera these days. They came up pretty well considering but not as clear as they could be - hey it's a phone ok - not a camera LOL.




Off to work again tomorrow. Looking forward to the Brekky Show this week. Shane tomorrow, Frank Tuesday, Julie Wednesday, Allen Friday.... should be LOTS of fun I think. But right now I need sleep. Less than 5.5 hours until the alarm goes off.

Scrapjacked

OK well I thought I would give the June "Scrapjacked" a go. So here is my LO. I was a bit disappointed that in the scan the word "Only" doesn't show up too well. I used Heidi Swapp ghost letters and while they show up really well IRL - the scan faded them out and you can barely see them - so if you are wondering what the heck the staples are in the bottom right hand corner - that's the explanation.

I've also managed to complete another LO this weekend as well so aside from having a nice relaxing weekend I'm kind of pleased that I've created something too. Now maybe I can go and do some housework or at least get my washing done..... yeah slack I know. What can I say - I needed a break.

It was great to catch up with the girls on Friday night for a chat on msn. I have SOOOO missed you girls and I promise I am going to try to make more time to catch up. And Tracey I can't wait until you visit Melbourne. I'm there girl!

OK off to do something constructive.

Tagged.... {groan} again

Oh this one is going to be so much fun - NOT..... That will teach me for going to visit blogs. This from the lovely Tracey Jayne.... hmmmm 100 things about me. Yeah I know - TMI {too much information} but here goes. These aren't in any particular order, probably more chronological than anything.

1. I am an only child.

2. My mother is an only child.

3. My daughter is an only child. {hey what can I say - I like tradition...}

4. I was very ill when I was 10 and spent 5.5 months in hospital including my 11th Birthday.

5. I spent a very long time on crutches after my illness and often felt like an outsider at school because of it.

6. I always managed to be the teachers pet.

7. My Grade One teacher is now one of my dearest friends.

8. My Grade Prep teacher was also my daughters Vice Principal at her primary school.

9. I had to be carried on the shoulders of a teacher back from a school camp hike because I couldn't walk the full distance. I bought him an ice-cream when we got back. He still remembers that day.

10. I always got good grades at school and enjoyed it.

11. 3 of my High School teachers are still at the school teaching Lakeisha!

12. My first job was in a Real Estate Office and aside from being a stay at home mum, Real Estate Property Management has been the position I've mostly held throughout my working life.

13. My first car was a little white Mazda RX4. My first new car was a Mazda 323 Station Wagon.

14. I got my licence on the first attempt by driving the police officer home to check whether his dog had escaped their back yard, and then to pick up lunch for the rest of the guys at the police station!.... true story......

15. I'm not sure my mother was excited about the comment he made when he hopped in the back seat - "Just imagine I'm one of the boys and we're out doing laps on a Friday night".

16. I hate Pumpkin, Brussell Sprouts and Mushrooms.

17. I am alergic to garlic.

18. I love Lobster and Prawns.

19. The first time I tasted Calamari was in 1980 in the Revolving Restaurant at Wrest Point Casino in Hobart - as I was chewing on it the waiter came by and asked my partner "Enjoying your squid sir?" I almost threw up LOL.

20. I love Calamari - cooked properly - these days.

21. I love cooking and having friends over for a meal.

22. My favourite Restaurant at the moment is Culture - its my second Lounge Room.

23. I want to travel overseas more and experience different cultures {speaking of culture}.

24. I have already been to the USA, Hong Kong, Japan, and New Zealand.

25. I've been as far north as Brisbane, as far south as the bottom of Tassie, and as far west as Adelaide. I'd really like to see central Australia but these days Perth is now off my list of must see places. {Sorry Julie}.

26. I can't swim.

27. I can't play the piano either - but I've had lessons at both LOL.

28. I'm struggling here..... 72 to go.

29. I really miss my Grandmother. She was an amazing lady.

30. Sometimes I still feel she is with me in spirit. I get a calming feeling sometimes that reminds me of her when I am stressed. I think she is watching over me.

31. I worry far too much about stuff that I can't do anything about, although I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be.

32. My dream car is a BMW - I've been wanting one for a very long time. {sigh}

33. I don't have nightmares very often, but when I do it's usually about losing people I love.

34. I do remember dreams fairly regularly. I'd share but at the moment I think it comes under that TMI label again.

35. I try to be fair when I deal with people. I try to treat everyone equally, but of course sometimes it's difficult.

36. I care a great deal about the people who are part of my life. I love many of the people I am surrounded by because they are so inspiring and give me so much joy.

37. I am moved by beautiful music, and have been even brought to tears from a particular piece that has touched my heart.

38. I am in awe of talented people, whether it is artistic or even just the ability to build things.

39. I try to look for the good in every situation and focus on it.

40. I do believe there is one special person for everyone - even though I'm not married to mine so far.

41. I love scrapbooking and love that there is no real right or wrong way to do it.

42. I have had 2 layouts published in magazines. It was a thrill seeing them in print but I am not driven to scrapbook in any way with a view or a hope of getting published.

43. I dislike how some people can be so destructive that they make others feel bad about themselves to elevate their own self image.

44. I dislike selfish people.

45. I particularly dislike lies and liars.

46. I do believe in honesty and integrity. I think they are two of the most important traits a person can have.

47. I often don't have the confidence in my own ability to push myself to do things I really do know I could do.

48. I am a perfectionist at some things and simply don't require enough of myself on others.

49. I find it difficult and somewhat embarrassing to listen to someone giving me praise.

50. I love the words "I love you" when they are said with meaning and depth.

51. I am a very loyal friend.

52. I like to help people whenever I can.

53. I always feel depressed when a situation arises where I am unable to help a friend in need.

54. I deeply regret my last relationship. It was the single most destructive thing I have ever been involved in, in my entire life, not just for me but for my entire family.

55. That said - I would not be where I am today if it were not for the circumstances of that relationship, so while I wish we hadn't suffered the pain, ultimately I wouldn't trade what I have in my life now for anything.

56. I dislike weak people who constantly complain and play the victim.

57. My single most proud achievement in life is my daughter Lakeisha.

58. I couldn't imagine what I would do without her.

59. I love the smell of freshly mown grass.

60. I love strawberries coated with Cadbury Chocolate.... mmmmm yum.

61. .... and washed down with a nice Chardonnay.... LOL.

62. I am a Christmas Addict. I just LOVE Christmas.

63. I love Strawberry Milkshakes.

64. I LOVE my job - especially doing the Breakfast Show on the radio despite the 4:00 a.m. alarm clock part of it.

65. I love that my work has brought so many beautiful people into my life.

66. I love Connoisseur Strawberry Ice Cream. Since no-one else eats it, I just grab the tub and eat a little of it whenever there is some in the freezer.

67. I love to dress up and go out somewhere special.

68. I've discovered that I love walking nowhere in particular and just talking with someone special. It's up there with the all time memorable moments of my life.

69. Sunrises are pretty special too.

70. I've never had a one night stand (and I don't think I'm missing anything either).

71. I've lost 8 kilos in the past few months and I am feeling fantastic about it.

72. Lakeisha is now upset that I can wear her jeans and even more upset when I bought a new pair this weekend and they were the ones she wanted to buy. She's telling me she will be borrowing them from time to time.....

73. I can't believe I have been married 4 times. I only ever wanted to find someone to love who'd love me back and just be happy....

74. I will never marry again. I know I said that the last time, but I'm sure of it now.

75. I love my home. It brings me peace now that it's a peaceful place again, and I particularly love my little upstairs domain. I do want to do some changes to my bedroom though.

76. I've never used drugs, although I did have a drink spiked a few years ago at a pub and it was a horrible experience.

77. The past 10 years I have realized I used to drink too often - like every night. Interesting that I no longer do that now..... hmmmm why do you suppose that is?

78. I am amazing myself at how calm I can be in most situations these days. Stuff that used to cause me to overreact, I seem to be able to just go with the flow and chill out.

79. I have a second life on "Second Life" but I've not been "living" it much lately.

80. OK I'll admit it. I have a Johnny Depp in Pirate Garb fettish. I'm not a big Johnny Depp fan usually but the pirate gear, the eye liner and the slurred accent just all does it for me in a big way. Sad I know.... but true.

81. I've had numourous surgeries including a Hip Replacement, Hysterectomy and Caesarian.

82. I still remember the Christmas Holidays I used to spend in Lorne as a kid - Caravan Park, the Beach, Shopping....

83. If I like a song or a piece of music I can listen to it play in the background over and over and over and.... well you get the picture. I sometimes have the same CD play on repeat softly in the background in my bedroom all night as I sleep. I think it drives Lakeisha crazy sometimes.

84. I hate large spiders. It's so bad that I actually start shaking and have to absolutely force myself to whack it - sometimes I can't and I call my poor, long suffering, spider killing daughter to do it for me.

85. I love wood fires but I hate the mess that comes with them.

86. I'll work on the last 14........... hey I'm getting there........ slowly...........

87.

88.

89.

90.

91.

92.

93.

94.

95.

96.

97.

98.

99.

100.

Dedication

So often I am inspired by the dedication of others, both professionally and personally. But this past week I have been touched so many times by the absolute expression of kindness and thoughtful reassurance that has been shown to me. Sometimes life's twists and turns place you in positions you would prefer not to be, but taking into account all the pros and cons, it's the only situation you can be in at that moment. And despite the difficulties that may be present, when such pure consideration elevates you to a level of extreme priority and reassures you that your decision was sound, you have to appreciate and acknowledge the heartfelt effort that has been the driving force behind it.

My life has been such a cycle of what is best described as destructive and character building all at the same time. While it's made me who I am, and don't get me wrong, I'm really happy with who I am today, at the same time it's left me feeling a sense of how much I have missed in my life, how little I've lived, really lived, not just existed, and also the realisation that it really wasn't so difficult to have done it better right from the start. I guess it's a sense of loss I feel now. That saying "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" - there is of course the other angle to that - How can you know what you are missing until you experience it?

No matter how old we get, I guess we still learn something new every day. I do know one thing though. The importance of the lesson isn't to look back and regret the past - it's to move on and use it to enjoy the future....

Damn I love this piece of music at the moment.... If you are reading this later and want to listen but the music has changed - see the "Inspirational" post for the link.