Saturday, June 09, 2007

Treading water & other survival courses....

I'm actually grateful for the long weekend this weekend. I think I am in dire need of some TLC and rest. Some respite from both a physically and emotionally tiring week. Trying to find a balance between what I want and what I need, what's required of me and what I'm prepared to give, and as always facing the reality of every aspect of my life, is challenging. It's not that I'm not up to the challenge, but I am aware of my own limits and when I am tired, so it goes that I tend to be emotional, and some things weigh at those times far more heavily than they would normally. I have to constantly ask myself is the situation really that bad or am I just over reacting due to fatigue. Sometimes I don't have the answers to that question either so it leaves me a bit frustrated. And so this was the week that was.....

I had a long conversation with my dear friend Allen last night, who has not so surprising to me managed to become in a very short space of time one of my closest confidante's, allies and friends and for whom I care about a great deal. We spoke of many things, but in particular about the importance of seeing things for what they really are. The importance of valuing the quality of the things in your life and not falling into the trap of thinking something was wrong just because it didn't fit your idea of what it should be. It actually reminded me of a tale that I hadn't thought much about recently, but one that I had placed such importance in the past. That story of the dead rat......

I think it was a Dr. Phil thing - where he talked about the fact that he had a cat and it had brought him a gift one day - a gift of a dead rat. His wife had been disgusted and thrown it out and scolded the cat and even though he wasn't keen on rats either, when he thought about it he realised what an important gift it was to the cat. The cat had taken no doubt considerable time and skill to catch the rat, and even though it could have been a source of food for the cat, the cat gave the rat to him as a gift. His lesson was never underestimate the value of a dead rat. In other words, gifts don't always come to you in the form you anticipate or expect, so you need to look at the gift for what it is, not for what you wanted to receive.

I have been given a great gift for which I know I am incredibly lucky, of that I have no doubt. The difficulty is that it has not been packaged quite the way I would have liked, at least not my ideal packaging. And so I have struggled with the acceptance of the gift at all. But on some level I do realise that this gift even as it is packaged is of far greater value and given with such unconditional love that it's without doubt the greatest gift I have received in my entire life. And so the struggle I have is to accept it for what it is worth and cease the destructive, negative thinking. It's true what they say - it's difficult to teach old dogs new tricks - but knowing dogs as I do, all it takes is a little patience, kindness and understanding. They usually find ways to adapt to the new lifestyle changes and come round eventually. Especially when they see the reward at the other end is worth the trouble it takes to learn the lesson.......

I do also have some grave concerns for my future at the radio station and that brings me real pain as well because I love this job so much. But since my 6 months grace with "Centrelink" is almost up and I have serious doubts as to whether the station can afford to pay me enough to keep me employed which means applying for jobs elsewhere. This job suits me for so many reasons that it depresses me even thinking about having to leave it. All the realities in my life at the moment possess the teeth of sharks and so when they bite - they hurt like hell.

It's moments like these I really wish I could swim....

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