Friday, September 21, 2007

How much pain????

After suffering a sore back most of the week, yesterday while I was doing the radio show with Frank, I had an impromptu Reflexology session during one of the breaks with him working on my hand. Noticing a difference almost immediately in the way the pain was, I decided to bite the bullet and take him up on the half hour he had free a little later in the morning and go in for a treatment. Now when he said there would be considerable pain, I thought well yeah I am prepared for that, both in terms of the treatment and the after effects. Boy was I wrong. I'm in agony. But I'm going to persevere with it and am quite interested in the whole Reflexology concept. Did I say that I feel like KWAP though????? Can't sit without immense pain to get there and when I do sit I can't do it for long plus I can't get up, can't lie down without immense pain and then when I do lie down I can't get back up, can't move but realise if I don't move it's going to be worse. The stairs are an interesting challenge. Needless to say work was out for today. I had visions of getting stuck doing something and no one around for hours to help me. Not a nice thought.

The week has been a challenge in other areas though. It's funny but one of the things Frank said about the back thing is that I'm feeling unsupported, to which he then laughed and said well I guess that's a bit of an understatement given your life at the moment. And he's right. Both professionally and personally. I've been feeling that way for quite some time. The work thing is just something I've come to accept though not without some feelings of bitterness. Like for example trying to tie up how a particular special event that is coming up will run and asking someone yesterday for their input as to what else we could do and will need for the day - someone I might add who this is right up their alley in terms of promotional value - who patted me on the back, said yeah it's a great idea, make sure you take the Otway FM banner!

In all honesty there are times when I feel this person wants me to fail, like some kind of saboteur. Not that this person does anything to damage plans, but it's more in the withholding of assistance and suggestions that in the end has the same effect and just puts more pressure on me. I get the impression that if I have to leave the comment will be "Well she tried but she just wasn't up to the task". The sad part is that this whole radio station thing should be a team project and it's not Maree FM and never should be. And I'm not the sort of person who stands up and takes all the accolades for what we do achieve, I always give credit to everyone's input in everything. I'm a team player and all that is important is the outcome for the station. I just wish that all the people I'm surrounded by had the same sentiments. I guess at the end of the day, if it doesn't move ahead and I have to move on, I know in my own heart I've left it better than I found it and the bottom line is that's all that is important.

And on a personal level..... Well there's an interesting scenario. Living alone is not my first preference. Having a 16 year old daughter is challenging at times. I feel like I have to make so many compromises to get the few moments of happiness personally that I do get, and they all come with consequences that create more stress and work for me in other areas because it's just so bloody hard. And I have no idea how to fix it. People often ask me why I work so late when I start so early. A part of the reason I am away from home for such long hours is so I have a social life. There is no social life to be had when I'm arriving in town for work at 5:30 in the morning. By the time the radio show is finished, the next show is put to air and I get out of the studio - half a normal working day is gone - and it's only 9:30! Everyone else is just starting their day. 8 hours after I have arrived in town, I'm ready to go home to bed, and everyone else is thinking about what they will have for lunch!

To spend any quality time with friends after they've finished work means I've already been in town for 12 hours, and THEN they want to go for a drink. So I get home say 13 or 14 hours later and fall into bed with only usually about 7 hours until the alarm goes off again. And I've been too tired to do anything when I get home. And yeah OK so the other option is that I could come home at lunch time. And do what? Housework? And talk to who until I go to bed? I'm not complaining. It's my choice. It's just not my preference. But sometimes you have to sacrifice things for what you want. How long you do it depends on whether it still pays off I guess.

On a brighter note I did have a fantastic weekend. Shane and I did the "market research tour" of the nightclubs in Melbourne on Saturday night. It was invaluable and perhaps now he understands a little more why I suggested doing this a very long time ago - of course things (not the least of which includes "trees") kept getting in the way of seeing it through. But the lesson learned has seen a slight change in the focus of what gets marketed and where we pursue the work. And if nothing else he was also able to see that what he does is at least as good if not better than most of what we heard that night. I knew that already my friend - you just need to believe it too. I feel so comfortable on this journey and I am excited for the future I know the music could have so long as we persist in a positive way. We walked for miles and I really enjoyed the experience and the company. It's an amazing thing to be so in tune with another human being and able to communicate in such an honest and esoteric manner. Follow your heart my friend. It's the only thing in this world that will NEVER lie to you.

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