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C. & L. W. M

If the message is meant for you - you will know exactly what it means.

Updates & News

This morning I updated the 3 Slide shows, both with the new Layouts and removing a few oldies, plus I added some new photos to the photo slideshow.

While I was waiting for images to upload, I've been thinking about the past week and how interesting it has been from so many angles. One of the huge things for the week was setting in place the new transmission gear for the radio station. We are poised to do some pretty exciting things, all hinging on official approval and promised funds. But I think with any luck we'll manage to get through and achieve the goal that I have been working towards for the past 9-10 months. I am really proud to have been a part of it's growth and as I said to a couple of people this past couple of weeks, even if I still have to leave, I at least can do so with the satisfaction that I am leaving it better than I found it.

We also have the computer system up and running to record the programs with which is fantastic. It means I can download to a cd a decent copy of any given program. I'm not sure some of the announcers are going to be so thrilled when they get to hear their show back - heck I may be one of them!!!! but it's a step in the right direction to getting everything to a professional standard that encourages others, both announcers and sponsors, to be a part of it.

I was also thinking this morning - to hell with those who continue to either drag the chain or withhold their support and assistance. If I have to do this thing on my knees all alone, I will see it through and I'll be damned if I am going to let them beat me - physically or mentally. These days I know I'm better than that, stronger than that, and I know that I have the support of the important people - those being the people who are important to me. As for the rest, it matters not whether they approve, help, support or even participate. I am so over people playing mind games and it just makes me laugh that some men think because you are a woman and single that you must automatically be "available" in some fashion (not to mention desperate). It may surprise them that I don't actually think of myself as available OR desperate. Whatever the petty reasons some continue to treat me with disrespect both professionally and personally, in the grand scale of things they are only worthy of my friendship if they are really my friends. And if they were really my friends, they would not let me down in the first place!

Hindsight Perspective & Experience

Personally I think we should all be born with a built in set of these three things. It would save so much of the crap you go through in life. Even a simulated set of them would work. Some benchmark. Something to either aspire to or give you the nudge when things aren't up to scratch. Instead we learn from our experiences, fumble through life, gain perspective with each and every day, each and every encounter, and learn when it's too late that in hindsight what you thought was one thing was actually another. We are happy with something until we are shown that things could be better, that there are brighter, shinier things in life. It's only then you see how things really are, with what you have or have had.

Looking back I don't think I've had too many really bright shiney things in my life but then again I don't think I've had such a bad life really either. I do know I have a very bright shiney daughter. My dogs have given me many bright shiney moments over the years. My parents have been loving and supportive, maybe they are not bright shiney things, but none the less I have been very fortunate to have their 100% backing throughout my entire life. I have some wonderful bright shiney friends who I love dearly. Some of them I haven't even met in real life. And yet even though I am happy with the person I have become and for the larger part I am happy with the life I have - there is such a huge part of my life remains unfulfilled.

I am trying to be patient. I am trying to draw on all that perspective and experience I have. I am drawn to that saying "If you want different - do different". I am doing a lot of different in my life now. The odd thing is that it's actually not so much different as just me being the me I'm allowed to be these days, without any judgement or ridicule or influence, just me being me and being accepted for that. And this is where the hindsight thing comes in, - what's strange about it is that just being me comes so much easier than trying to be what someone else wants or insists that I be. I have no doubt things would have been much better, at least for me, in the past if I had had the courage to do that before, instead of allowing myself to be molded. Personal power is an amazing thing. I feel a freedom I've never experienced before and I hope with that new strength and vision for how good the future can be I will be able to fulfill those last remaining parts of my life that need attention.

Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks!

Busy Sunday

Today is one of those "keep yourself busy so you don't think" kind of days so I got busy and completed my September Design Team layouts for Scrap Pile. They are a little late, but I guess better late than never and given I didn't get any scrapping done last weekend I think I've done well to get as much done this weekend as I have - the afternoon isn't over yet either, but I have to go into town, sort out tomorrow morning's Breakfast program and pick up Lakeisha from work.

The first LO is really bright and cheery and I've used one of the photos we took back in September 2005 for Kate's birthday. I love the colours in this. Entitled Grateful 4 Friends.






And then this one. The paper was a challenge especially when it comes already with the title printed there...... When it first arrived I thought Oh Great. But as it turned out it worked out to be fairly appropriate in the end. I'm sure Mel and Justine send me the really difficult ones just to put me to the test. But anyway it was a pretty masculine looking sheet of paper so I went with the masculine look LO and softened it up a bit with the flower and the heart. Entitled True To Yourself. I like how it has a sort of grainy/gritty look to it.



I'm just thrilled to have the lyrics book finished as well. I've bound it with brass rings and tied ribbon through them. Not sure it came up exactly like I had envisioned but I think it looks OK.

Difference a week makes.

Not all Saturdays are equal! Sometimes happiness prevails but sometimes sharks circle.... I guess you get that.

I have spent a productive day scrapbooking and managed to complete the mini album for the Scrap Pile Challenge. I got all my lyrics finished and the pages scrapped and I'm really pleased with the final result. I haven't quite got the album finished but at least all the pages are done. I just need to put the album together. So here are the final pages...

Week 7 word was CELEBRATE. The photo was taken by Allen at Lakeisha's 16th Birthday when she came up to give me a hug. In the photo also are dear friends Julie Cuthbert & Jenny Turner. Damn that was a good night!



Week 8's word was BELIEVE. Actually of all the lyrics I think these are my favourites. Only because they are just a little more funky and naughty.... ahhh you can't kill the teenager in me... sorry.



And the final week's word was WISH.



And the back cover looks like this.

The Eyes....

I just realised that I don't think I have posted the new site for the music business Eyes Of Fire Music. And not to forget the super graphic that Hayley created for the Logo....

You did a fantastic job Hayles. Luv it!

How much pain????

After suffering a sore back most of the week, yesterday while I was doing the radio show with Frank, I had an impromptu Reflexology session during one of the breaks with him working on my hand. Noticing a difference almost immediately in the way the pain was, I decided to bite the bullet and take him up on the half hour he had free a little later in the morning and go in for a treatment. Now when he said there would be considerable pain, I thought well yeah I am prepared for that, both in terms of the treatment and the after effects. Boy was I wrong. I'm in agony. But I'm going to persevere with it and am quite interested in the whole Reflexology concept. Did I say that I feel like KWAP though????? Can't sit without immense pain to get there and when I do sit I can't do it for long plus I can't get up, can't lie down without immense pain and then when I do lie down I can't get back up, can't move but realise if I don't move it's going to be worse. The stairs are an interesting challenge. Needless to say work was out for today. I had visions of getting stuck doing something and no one around for hours to help me. Not a nice thought.

The week has been a challenge in other areas though. It's funny but one of the things Frank said about the back thing is that I'm feeling unsupported, to which he then laughed and said well I guess that's a bit of an understatement given your life at the moment. And he's right. Both professionally and personally. I've been feeling that way for quite some time. The work thing is just something I've come to accept though not without some feelings of bitterness. Like for example trying to tie up how a particular special event that is coming up will run and asking someone yesterday for their input as to what else we could do and will need for the day - someone I might add who this is right up their alley in terms of promotional value - who patted me on the back, said yeah it's a great idea, make sure you take the Otway FM banner!

In all honesty there are times when I feel this person wants me to fail, like some kind of saboteur. Not that this person does anything to damage plans, but it's more in the withholding of assistance and suggestions that in the end has the same effect and just puts more pressure on me. I get the impression that if I have to leave the comment will be "Well she tried but she just wasn't up to the task". The sad part is that this whole radio station thing should be a team project and it's not Maree FM and never should be. And I'm not the sort of person who stands up and takes all the accolades for what we do achieve, I always give credit to everyone's input in everything. I'm a team player and all that is important is the outcome for the station. I just wish that all the people I'm surrounded by had the same sentiments. I guess at the end of the day, if it doesn't move ahead and I have to move on, I know in my own heart I've left it better than I found it and the bottom line is that's all that is important.

And on a personal level..... Well there's an interesting scenario. Living alone is not my first preference. Having a 16 year old daughter is challenging at times. I feel like I have to make so many compromises to get the few moments of happiness personally that I do get, and they all come with consequences that create more stress and work for me in other areas because it's just so bloody hard. And I have no idea how to fix it. People often ask me why I work so late when I start so early. A part of the reason I am away from home for such long hours is so I have a social life. There is no social life to be had when I'm arriving in town for work at 5:30 in the morning. By the time the radio show is finished, the next show is put to air and I get out of the studio - half a normal working day is gone - and it's only 9:30! Everyone else is just starting their day. 8 hours after I have arrived in town, I'm ready to go home to bed, and everyone else is thinking about what they will have for lunch!

To spend any quality time with friends after they've finished work means I've already been in town for 12 hours, and THEN they want to go for a drink. So I get home say 13 or 14 hours later and fall into bed with only usually about 7 hours until the alarm goes off again. And I've been too tired to do anything when I get home. And yeah OK so the other option is that I could come home at lunch time. And do what? Housework? And talk to who until I go to bed? I'm not complaining. It's my choice. It's just not my preference. But sometimes you have to sacrifice things for what you want. How long you do it depends on whether it still pays off I guess.

On a brighter note I did have a fantastic weekend. Shane and I did the "market research tour" of the nightclubs in Melbourne on Saturday night. It was invaluable and perhaps now he understands a little more why I suggested doing this a very long time ago - of course things (not the least of which includes "trees") kept getting in the way of seeing it through. But the lesson learned has seen a slight change in the focus of what gets marketed and where we pursue the work. And if nothing else he was also able to see that what he does is at least as good if not better than most of what we heard that night. I knew that already my friend - you just need to believe it too. I feel so comfortable on this journey and I am excited for the future I know the music could have so long as we persist in a positive way. We walked for miles and I really enjoyed the experience and the company. It's an amazing thing to be so in tune with another human being and able to communicate in such an honest and esoteric manner. Follow your heart my friend. It's the only thing in this world that will NEVER lie to you.

Moving On

Why is it so hard to face the future of the unknown do you think? I sit here tonight contemplating what the future holds for me and mixed in with such sadness that almost brings me to tears, is a good degree of trepidation about what lies ahead - professionally, personally and almost every other ally you can conjour up.

Much of today has been spent trying to figure out what the hell I am going to do professionally. Nothing smarts like having a job you love and looking at having to walk away from it. Having a phone call tonight to say that something you've been working towards for months is about to be reality just makes the whole thing that much more painful to walk away from. But the bottom line is I have to eat and the Station just isn't in a position to pay me. So there aren't too many options.

I don't know what I would have done without your support today Shane. As much as I seemed OK - I'm feeling that dark cloud creeping up behind me. What would I do without you?

Ironically the Word of the Week for the Mini Album Challenge at Scrap Pile is "Celebrate". I couldn't think of a less appropriate word to come up with lyrics for right at this particular moment. Comiserate maybe - then I could have had a few wines and come up with some brilliant lines...............

One final layout

Managed to sneak this layout in - one of my Design Team creations for Scrap Pile. Better late than never I guess. The photo is the one I used for the Lyrics to Live By page earlier today but I thought it was perfect for this paper and I wanted to create something a little different. This one entitled "Unique"

Mini Album Challenge

Have spent all day today trying to catch up on the Mini Album Challenge at Scrap Pile. And I am so pleased to have it all done up to date now.

Week 4's word was "Important".


Week 5's word was "Wonder".


There is a story behind the chair on the table thing. Shane was visiting and enroute from the Lounge to the kitchen he bumped one of the dining chairs. Lakeisha being smart said "There's a chair there Shane". He stops, looks at the chair, picks it up and places it on the table, turns to her and says "Not any more...." It's a nutty house we live in at times.....

Week 6's word was Habits.


The photo in this layout is very old. It's a photo that belonged to my Aunty Dulcie who passed away a number of years ago. The photo is of her sitting looking out over a cliff. Unfortunately I don't know where it was taken or who took it, but it has captured my imagination ever since I discovered it amongst some old slides that once belonged to her. I thought the very isolation represented by the photo was the essence of the isolation I sometimes crave away from everyone else's problems and tantrums. A place to be just by myself. She was such a special lady, a little eccentric, but very special none the less.

These lyrics came about thanks to inspiration from some so called "friends" who have taken to dumping their shitty mood on me lately. Aside from the fact that I didn't deserve it, it hurts like hell when you bare the brunt of the anger of someone you care about, people you've tried to help. I think that sometimes people don't give any thought to the impact of the words they say.

I say dumping lately, but frankly the reason why I picked this subject to write about for the word Habits is that it seems to have been something that I've had happen in so many relationships. I don't know if it's just normal for everyone to do it or if I'm just "lucky" enough to have struck a whole pile of guys who seem to take pleasure in making me pay for every shitty thing that goes wrong in their lives. I can't say I've had many women do it to me. Maybe it's a guy thing. I don't know. I just know that I always try to lay any anger firmly at the feet of whatever is the cause of the problem and not just lash out at the nearest person, especially not those people closest to me. I know we all have bad days - but...........! I've never understood this behaviour. Think about what you say and who you are saying it to before you bite someone's head off. I always think to myself, what if it was the last time I ever saw that person and my last words to them were some cruel cop out they didn't deserve and I would regret it until the day I died.

Roll on Monday....

This week in review...

It seems as though I am constantly trying to catch up with this blog these days. I just wish I had more time to devote to putting my thoughts down. I feel like I miss so much doing it this way and at a time when I am experiencing so many changes.

I guess one of the most frustrating parts of the week would have to be dealing with the system that is Centrelink. As much as I am grateful for the incredible support that has been afforded me through Centrelink and much to the credit of an amazing lady Jamie who has been handling the majority of my case. I have to say that the whole thing is structured in such a way that it's no wonder people cheat the system so often. In so many of the areas and rules and regulations - common sense plays no part in it. As much as I feel I have been "effective" for the past 9 months, I know that I would not have coped in a normal 9-5 job having to face the public and work collegues on a day to day basis. For this reason the station has been an incredible asset to my recovery process in that I have been able to regulate my contact with people based on my "mood du jour". What happens from here on will be interesting to say the least.

Then there were the private emails and comments to the blog. While I have been asked many times if I was going to change my name over the past 9 months - I have to say that to me it's just a name. And while I understand the need to distance oneself from certain things, it is afterall just a name. I am still the same person I always was and the fact that I took on this man's name in marriage makes me no more like him than any of you reading this blog. I have no wish to remain "connected" to him, but then the inconvenience of having to change everything from your bank accounts, licence and personal accounts to the business card and name you have spent time promoting to people in business circles really amounts to a lot of effort and inconvenience for what? He's no longer here and I keep coming back to the fact that - it's just a name. So no I probably won't change it. Besides which what would I go to? Maiden name? I haven't been that for some 20 odd years now, it would be as foreign to most people as if I changed it to Smith.....

But I was incredibly touched and uplifted in particular by a couple of emails from people who I admire in quite different fields and I thank you for taking the time to say such incredibly moving things. You have no idea how at that particular time it was just the positive thing I needed to hear.

Last night was also a somewhat special moment. A visit from Paul was both concerning and very special all at the same time. You have a gift my young friend that you need to explore. Guitar in hand, I had the pleasure of listening to several hours of a really lovely voice. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I think you may be hearing a little more about this over the next few weeks hopefully. I hope you got more sleep than I did in the end. I did discover one thing last night - I'm too old to survive on 2 hours sleep!

And finally to Shane who is no doubt feeling some considerable discomfort tonight after a long trip but hopefully now has a much more reliable means of transport and I can't tell you what a relief it is to know he's not going to be driving that loan vehicle he's had these past weeks. As much as I understand the need for independence as well as anyone - this particular vehicle has seen me in a constant state of worry for his safety the entire time. And after the week we've had of decisions, discussions and focus for the future - I raise my glass and say "Here's to tomorrow my dearest friend - whatever that may bring....." Today was the first day of the rest of our lives - lets make the most of it.

Ticket to ride anyone?

Well I've just spent 15 minutes staring at my profile wondering who the hell that person is looking back at me. And then realising despite the fact that I had thought I had come such a long way - there staring back at me was the same old me. Same fears. Same expectations. Same crappy self doubts.

In life there come pivotal moments. Crossroads if you like. Those moments where you stand at the give way signs of life, look left, look right, look straight ahead, and then make the choice which path to choose. Tonight is one of those pivotal moments. I took a glance back over my shoulder at the road behind me. I didn't like what I saw. In so many ways the past 8 months of my life have been a blur. I know in reality it's where my life began, but so much has crammed itself into that 8 months not only can I barely believe 8 months has passed, I can barely believe I've survived. But back beyond that is just a nightmare that despite the fact I acknowledge brought me to where I am today, I would sooner forget it than relive it.

And it seems I am not the only one who has been at these crossroads this week. Actually it's quite amazing how two people from such different backgrounds and life experiences can find themselves at pretty much the same crossroad at the same time. I have no doubt it's no co-incidence. I have often spoken of the "push" I feel from time to time in life. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it on this blog often, but I have often told people about it. It's a strange feeling. I do believe in some ways we are guided through life by forces none of us completely understand and that many never even sense much less acknowledge. I am such a firm believer in fate. But every now and then I feel that the "push" is just a little too obvious and I feel a need to turn to my invisible guides, wave a stern finger at them and say "I felt that one....." Well hey. I felt this one....

The crossroad I now stand at makes me face some fears I have yet to conquer. Thanks to the lovely Murray & Darren, I developed such a lack of self worth, I still live with the day to day fear and doubt that I will never be "enough" - enough at anything. Life hasn't been about me for so long. I've spent my life trying to make other people all they can be. The lack of respect and gratitude I've been shown along the way has been enough to make you give up a thousand times over. I realise oh too late that there was nothing in it for me. Not even a decent relationship.

So I suppose tonight the sudden panic set in when I saw the path ahead of me. Another life journey with the focus on someone else. Another scenario of me being the driving force behind the promotion and success of someone else. I realised tonight my life is NEVER going to be about me and the things I have always dreamed of having are never coming my way, and besides which, this time for me the stakes are so much higher for this is a serious last chance and if I crash and burn this time, there will be no way out, no way to survive, for this is too intense, too important and the ball is in my court to either roll with it or get crushed in the rush.

There isn't a choice to be made. I'm there all the way. Although I am terrified. I have no job to speak of - not a secure paying one at least. I have no guarantee for the future, financial, career or personally. At any time I could be obsolete in so many areas of my life. And maybe the way I've lived my life until now hasn't exactly served me that well. But I know that if I don't follow my heart and my passion right at this moment in time, I will wonder "what if" for the rest of my life - and that alone can cause you to crash & burn.

So what can I say. Wish me luck. Hold on to your "I told you so" speeches. Maybe you will need them, maybe you won't. In the meantime, I feel really unwell, and if you care a rats ass then say a little prayer. I guess I'll keep you posted.