Long Weekend

Took the long 2.5 hour drive today to attend the Cranbourne Dog Club show, not to show a dog just for a 10 minute meeting for the American Cocker Spaniel Club........ You have to ask the sanity question really. We spent more time there than I had anticipated. Talk about mixed feelings. On one hand I feel like I would like to go to a few shows, but on the other hand I must admit I was a bit bored with the whole thing and the prospect of having to cart all that gear and sit in the rain with dogs - well just thinking about it was enough to turn me off.

Mind you, Lakeisha would like to get back in the showring since she was enjoying it and I'm feeling not just a little guilty for not allowing her to indulge in that enjoyment just because of how it makes me feel. She deserves the opportunity to do her thing, and she was having fun while we were going. And I have to admit that those weekends we spent together going off to the dog shows were such great quality time together. I guess though several factors have changed - not the least of which are Money and the Dynamics of Home since it would absolutely leave mum to tend to all the dogs on her own with no one here to help and that doesn't sit well with me either. And while she has been trying to encourage me to get back into showing...... I know that it's going to wear thin with the responsibilities it will place on her and the extra work.

It was so great to catch up with Anne O'Keefe for a chat though. I haven't seen her since September and as I said to her, there are SOME dog people I miss terribly. You are definitely one of them darl. And it was also good to chat with Liz. Hang in there - we both deserve so much more in our lives!

On our return given it was a little later than anticipated I took Lakeisha to Cafe Nu Deli for dinner. It suddenly hit me with an overwhelming surge of memories that honestly I just wanted to bolt for the car and come home. Here was the place Murray and I had got married - I found myself picturing us walking through the door, the place we stood throughout the ceremony, the "wedding table" by the window and cutting the cake........... I even found myself recalling all the Friday night meals we had there almost every week from the time we started going out..........

Last night was another bad night of tears and an overwhelming sense of not coping with the money situation. You would think after a month this thing would be getting less difficult to face but I think all I'm succeeding in doing is just suppressing it all which isn't really dealing with it and it makes it far too easy for it to surface when I'm least expecting it. But if someone can tell me where the off switch is - I would be most grateful.

Another day - another.......

Well I'm happy to report that we did finally confirm those payments towards the bills. $1,000 to the business and $500 in interest only to Mum & Dad - that said it only paid the interest up to December.... but something is better than nothing for them. And I guess in terms of the business - $1,000 down and $29,000 to go. I'm still trying desperately to sell the rest of the equipment that's sitting here but not having much success at this point. Perseverance I tell myself. I have given up just sitting here with my fingers crossed hoping that Murray does the right thing by EVERYONE and sells the vehicle he took with him.... chance of that? Well I guess we'll see but I've never known him to put himself out for anyone else before so I don't like our chances.

But I've decided I really want to have my blogs reflect the positive part of my life as I'm happy to report THERE IS A POSITIVE PART these days. I am so enjoying the work I am doing for Otway FM. I guess a big part of it is that I've been able to work from home and not have to spend so much time with people throughout this hellhole experience. Time to lick my wounds, but at the same time keep myself busy and not have as much time to sit and think about where I am and what I face. That said, the few people that I have worked with over the past month have absolutely been my rocks of encouragement to keep going. I've made some new friends who at all times when I'm with them make life worth living and make me feel good about who I am and what I do. It's been such a long time since I've actually felt this good about myself. I guess especially to Bob & Shane & Tell & Noel who in such a short space of time have become such an essential part of my week. The conversations we've had, the fact that you make me laugh, not only at life, but at myself.

And Shane I'd have to say that people come into your life for a reason. There have already been moments in my life that I have met people who have for whatever reason had such an immense impact on me. I can count you amongst those now as well. In such a short time you have made me realise there is so much more to me that I've almost forgotten. I realised this week that I've been living a life that is just so NOT me now for 11 years, with only glimpses of Me showing through now and then. But at the end of the day, I am not sure how this past month would have passed without any one of you. They say timing is everything and the timing for this was incredible.

And in speaking of the radio station - yesterday for the Australia Day celebrations we had our first major fund raiser for the year. Get Out Of Jail day in conjunction with the Colac Otway Shire's official celebration. We locked up 7 local identities in a "cage" in the memorial square and they had to phone friends and work collegues in order to raise their bail and in doing so raising sponsorship for the station. How incredible that they ended up securing over $5,000 in pledges. What an amazing and generous community we live in. Most of my work was done behind the scenes preparing everything needed for the day but it was amusing to watch some of the antics and I hope there will be lots of photos to post on the website shortly.

On the subject of the site - it's partially up and running at www.otwayfm.com but still very much under construction as I slowly get photos and info of all the crew there.

Scrapbooking seems to have taken a bit of a back seat yet again.... seems the normal thing lately, but I plan to get back to it shortly. I have however done 3 new ones since my last blog.

Only in my dreams was a layout I did for a challenge at Scrap Pile Cyber Crop - Dotty but beyond dotty paper so I opted for cutting a piece of the photo and creating the dots out of that.

"Still together" was for my challenge being an antique theme using some specific items and techniques to scrap a b/w photo. The photo I used was of my mum & dad's wedding - since they are coming up to their 52nd wedding anniversary...... how incredible is that?

And last but not least is my January Design Team Layout called "Always My Girl" of a picture of Lakeisha and I on one of her kindergarten outings - this time a picnic to Camperdown way back in 1995.

I do have one other layout but I can't share it until February 1st as it's my February Design Team layout - which sadly is the first one I've finished WAY ahead of time and I was so pleased with it that it's been burning a hole in my pocket..... errrrr album....... now for about 2 weeks!

Hope everyone has a great long weekend!

cheers

Maree

Roll On Tuesday

Thankfully tomorrow I get to go to my first counselling session since all of this eventuated. Frankly I think the health system sucks and it's little wonder so many people attempt suicide. Aside from the blatant lies told to put people off - you have to ask yourself how sensible it is to put people off after suffering such life changing circumstances FOR A MONTH and the only support they can offer is "Can I give you Lifeline's number".

Now no offence to Lifeline. I'm sure they do a great job for the average Joe. But as sad as it may sound - if it hadn't been for the fact that I have a gorgeous daughter who I know would have suffered a lifetime of difficulties - I have no doubt I would have ended this saga in a much more definite and dramatic ending some weeks ago. Lifeline just wouldn't cut it and I have developed an immense respect for those who have managed to get through difficult periods in their lives without permanent damage.

Trying to deal with this situation has been impossible. I don't understand it. I've wavered between angry and heartbroken for way too many hours in every day. I doubt I will ever understand it. I know that despite everything I need to not allow Murray to do what he's been trying to do - and that is to minimise every solitary part of the last 3.5 years we've spent together. If it's what he needs to do for himself to justify what he's done then so be it. That is something he will eventually have to live with. But for me I can only see it for what it was.... A relationship that I wanted - He needed. A relationship in which I was determined to succeed and in which I was determined to give 100% and in which he was committed to getting what he could out of it and then moving on when things from his past caught up with him. I think that at least now I can accept I was simply the meal ticket to the next level of his life and I know and accept that it meant nothing to him in a real relationship sense. In some ways this is probably the closure I needed.

Do you know that even after a month - there is still no interaction in so far as any admission of what happened.... no acknowledgement from him that he has done what he has done - and aside from that there has been absolutely NO REMORSE - NO I'M SORRY - NO I WISH I HAD HANDLED THIS BETTER........... nothing. Frankly I think it says more about the personality disorder he has than it does about anything. How can ANYONE do this to another human being who cared and loved and supported them so much is totally beyond my comprehension.

On that note though - I do need to acknowledge that he did transfer $1000 of his remaining money into the business account. And although I haven't yet confirmed it - he claims he transferred $500 into my parents account for back interest on the money they loaned him up to December..... And while there has been some cause for celebration of this, I can't afford to allow myself to be drawn into the hope that this will be ongoing, because I'm sorry - I frankly think it's shortlived and there will soon be "other" priorities for the weekly wage........

Old habits die hard - what can I say. Judging by the responses I've had via email and phone - I don't think there are too many people who would disagree with me.

Spending Spree

15 Jan 2007 DEBIT CARD AUTH $38.30

15 Jan 2007 DEBIT CARD AUTH $25.00

14 Jan 2007 ATM TRANSACTION $100.00

12 Jan 2007 FEE - WITHDRAWAL AT NAB ATM RIVERVALEWA $2.00

12 Jan 2007 WITHDRAWAL AT NAB ATM RIVERVALEWA $100.00

12 Jan 2007 WITHDRAWAL AT HANDYBANK BELMONT WA $500.00

12 Jan 2007 DEBIT CARD PURCHASE HARVEY NORMAN AV/IT BELMONT AU $118.90

11 Jan 2007 DEBIT CARD PURCHASE COMFORT HOSTEL BELMONT AU $385.00

11 Jan 2007 DEBIT CARD PURCHASE COBBLER PLUS BELMONT AU $75.95

11 Jan 2007 DEBIT CARD PURCHASE BP MT MAGNET 1914 MOUNT MAGNET AU $50.00

11 Jan 2007 DEBIT CARD PURCHASE VANAS HAIR DESIGN BELMONT AU $18.00

11 Jan 2007 DEPOSIT-SALARY GULFPLOY PTY LTD $2,916.50

10 Jan 2007 FEE - WITHDRAWAL AT NAB ATM RIVERVALEWA $2.00

10 Jan 2007 FEE - WITHDRAWAL AT CBA ATM BELMONT FWA $2.00

10 Jan 2007 FEE - WITHDRAWAL AT CBA ATM MT LAWLEYWA $2.00

10 Jan 2007 WITHDRAWAL AT NAB ATM RIVERVALEWA $100.00

10 Jan 2007 WITHDRAWAL AT CBA ATM BELMONT FWA $100.00

10 Jan 2007 WITHDRAWAL AT CBA ATM MT LAWLEYWA $100.00

8 Jan 2007 FEE - WITHDRAWAL AT BQL ATM MT MAGNETWA $2.00

8 Jan 2007 WITHDRAWAL AT BQL ATM MT MAGNETWA $50.00

8 Jan 2007 WITHDRAWAL - INTERNET ONLINE BANKING FNDS TFR 06-JAN $125.00

4 Jan 2007 DEBIT CARD PURCHASE COMMUNIC8 RECHARGE SOUTHBANK AU $50.00

4 Jan 2007 DEBIT CARD PURCHASE COMMUNIC8 RECHARGE SOUTHBANK AU $30.00

3 Jan 2007 FEE - WITHDRAWAL AT BQL ATM MT MAGNETWA $2.00

3 Jan 2007 WITHDRAWAL AT BQL ATM MT MAGNETWA $50.00

2 Jan 2007 FEE - WITHDRAWAL AT BQL ATM MT MAGNETWA $2.00

2 Jan 2007 WITHDRAWAL AT BQL ATM MT MAGNETWA $100.00

2 Jan 2007 DEBIT CARD PURCHASE INTERFLORA PRAHRAN AU $75.55

2 Jan 2007 SERVICE FEE $7.50

29 Dec 2006 FEE - WITHDRAWAL AT BQL ATM MT MAGNETWA $2.00

29 Dec 2006 WITHDRAWAL AT BQL ATM MT MAGNETWA $200.00

29 Dec 2006 DEBIT CARD PURCHASE COMMUNIC8 RECHARGE SOUTHBANK AU $50.00

29 Dec 2006 DEBIT CARD PURCHASE GREENPEACE AUSTRALIA SYDNEY AU $25.00

28 Dec 2006 FEE - WITHDRAWAL AT BQL ATM MT MAGNETWA $2.00

28 Dec 2006 WITHDRAWAL AT BQL ATM MT MAGNETWA $40.00

28 Dec 2006 DEPOSIT-SALARY GULFPLOY PTY LTD $1,726.00

Well what you are looking at above is the print out from the lovely Murray Redmond's account since his first pay on December 28th. I thought it would make interesting reading. As you can see he got paid a grand total of $4,642:50 for the 3 weeks work he did in the mines at Mount Magnet and how much does he have left in his account now????? $2,154:62 meaning he's spent $2,487:88 in a mere 16 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And if that isn't bad enough - take this into consideration....... for 12 of those days he was at the mine camp and therefore DID NOT HAVE TO PAY FOR ANY FOOD OR ACCOMMODATION COSTS................

Now I suppose you are wondering how much money he has sent home to contribute to the outstanding debts????????

$0:00

I have no paying job (the Radio Station job was understood to be voluntary to begin with until such time as it could sustain paying a wage during which time Murray had agreed to assist me with support... clearly that offer has now been withdrawn) I can't even get the gutless weasle to answer the phone now....... And he still hasn't sold the vehicle he took that belongs to the company. Given his brother warned me that he was likely going to spend part of whatever he got for the 4wd on another vehicle for himself to drive I suspect I'm not going to see much of that either (if a cent).

How the hell do I warn other poor unsuspecting women of this man so that they don't suffer the same fate?

New Layout

I actually found the will to scrap... how amazing. Thanks to the lovely Katie on scrap pile who gave some very simple directions to using a 35mm camera on anything but auto - I took this pic of our Christmas tree this year on Christmas Eve with the lights glowing. I'm pretty pleased with the way it came up, both the photo and the layout. I actually went through and compressed all the pictures of the layouts that I had uploaded to the internet..... but now I'm not happy with the quality I'm getting showing up on the blog, so I think I may have to re-upload the originals again..... bummer. It's going to take forever on dial up since most of the files are 200-300 kb..... and there are one or two of them these days.... Job for another day - or night - I suspect. I uploaded the original for this one because I love this pic..... You do realise right that if you click on the photos they enlarge......

Here are some more pics I took using the settings. Hopefully I'll get time to scrap them over the next couple of weeks before I lose Christmas Mode.

Ahh the tree is still up. I guess that really should be a job to focus on for this week sometime. Gather up all the decorations and put them away until next year.

Lakeisha deserted me last night for a better offer LOL so it's been pretty quiet here. Thought I would catch up on some bits and pieces and chill out for the day. I would love to scrap another layout but I doubt I'll get the time unless it happens tonight. What I really should do is have a big clean up in the office so it's no longer an office. There is so much crap lying around everywhere - a large garbage bag should do the trick LOL.

The weather is so crappy here but I can't complain about the rain. Everything is so dry and not looking very pretty. Its a good thing I have some work to keep me busy. I still have a brochure to finish for the radio station so that I can finalise the sponsor packages next week and yippee we can have our first sales meeting. Thankfully it's all coming together and I can't tell you what a blast it was to get on the production computer on Friday. Our technical guru who has been actually becoming less involved of late, actually dropped in on Thursday to give me a quick lesson - I mean quick - it was like about half an hour and a blur of him showing me what could be done. It's been sitting there un-used and although a few people have had a go at it - no-one really got the hang of it or had any interest in it. But Friday I went in and played around on the thing for hours and by the time I left Friday night at 6:30 I had created four sponsor adverts for the Country Food Store with Lakeisha, Travis, Charmaine & Joel doing the voiceovers. Same background music but at least it will add a bit of interest. I'm sure they will sound more professional than just having the presenters read the copy on air - and frankly listening to some of them do it - they have a problem sticking with the script anyway LOL

But in this computer program we now have the ability to pre-record one hour shows to CD so that will make an enormous difference and open up possibilities. Make my job a hell of a lot easier as well. Besides which this thing is such a "Me" toy...... at least they will know where to find me. Can't wait to get back in there tomorrow and play with it again. I actually thought about going in today - but I really do need to get the brochure done. Eventually we could look toward getting a computer for the studio and then longer shows could just be recorded to the computer and played directly from there..... ahhhhh yes Flylady - I hear ya - baby steps.....

Cyber Crop at the Scrap Pile this coming Friday night for all you scrappers out there. www.scrap-pile.com.au and I think it will start around 7:00 p.m. EDST. Plus I have the monthly challenge for January and have posted a sketch - so go and have a go at it - you could win yourself a nice little prize. I'm not sure what exactly but I suspect it's likely a $10 voucher to spend in the store.

Have a nice Sunday

Maree

Over it

OK I'm over it. I'm over being angry. I'm over being hurt. I'm over crying myself to sleep. I'm over just sitting here feeling depressed. I'm over the whole thing. Except - ok shoot me - I'm still in love. But I do understand that there just isn't any way to deal with this than to get over it. So I guess in time I'll get over that one little obstacle as well.

Someone asked me last night if I would take him back. My immediate answer was NO. The response came back that "Then he's not the love of your life". I think that's wrong. You know the fact is that if he came home right now, it would be VERY hard not to just pick up where we left off. Because I will always love this man, that much I do know. And because I understand why he does what he does. Doesn't mean I think it's right. Doesn't mean I don't think I deserve better. But I do understand. But the MAIN reason why I know I can't take him back is that I know it wouldn't work now for sure - and why? Because I would be the one who would sabbotage it from here. I would be the one who wouldn't be able to lay any faith or confidence in him. I would be the one constantly checking up things were going the way they should. I would be the one who wouldn't be able to completely trust. I would just decay his sense of worth even more than it already has been in his past. It's been hard enough in the past with everything that has happened - for both of us. So clearly it's me who needs help as well.

So I think perhaps when the counsellor finally does return from holidays and I go to see her, it might be a good way to start. Maybe I need therapy. I'll admit I've felt so often that people have let me down and not given me what I need out of a relationship that I can be pretty flippant about relationships in return. And that goes for all kinds of "relationships" not just marriage. I've had the attitude for as long as I can remember that if you want the job done properly you need to do it yourself. At least that way if it isn't done to your expectations you only have yourself to blame. But see there is the problem.........

One of my projects for this year is to actually DO something I've been reading about now for weeks. FLYLADY. www.flylady.com It's quite an interesting website and in thinking about where I am now, I'm kind of wondering if maybe they wrote the book for me and it's just taken me this long to see it on the shelf. I am a perfectionist in everything I do. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I'm perfect - I'm not saying what I do is perfect - FAR FROM IT ON BOTH ACCOUNTS. But I EXPECT perfection in myself and everyone around me. And of course even I know in reality that nothing on this earth is perfect. So why then do I feel let down or get upset when my expectations of perfection aren't met?

And that was another part of the conversation last night. Based upon this persons perception of my ability to prepare and present my dogs for dog shows - (they always looked perfect and have done for some 30 years and I was someone to be looked up to - I believe worshipped was the word) - but you see there's the catch. In my eyes they never were good enough and in my eyes I didn't have any special abilities. Sure I knew I could do them OK and I know I have a rapport with my dogs and they perform for me for the most part. I believe you can either handle dogs or you can't in the showring..... Some people do it well and some just never get it, and I know I do OK in the ribbons for someone who can't run properly and who takes way too long to do everything from stacking to fixing a lead but I couldn't even fathom being worshipped by anyone. And even now as it has for the past 30 years, my stupid quest for perfection actually fills me with overwhelming fear of failure. Isn't it funny how people THINK they know you but often they are so far off the mark it's just not funny at all.

Perfectionism takes all the joy out of everything. There is so much pressure to perform that there's no fun. Life has to be fun. Otherwise what the hell is the point in suffering it for 80 odd years. My life has been full of no fun moments. Frankly that's as much my fault as anyone else. Sure there HAVE been fun moments. But there have been an awful lot of unfun ones as well.

So that's where Flylady comes in. Stamp out perfection and spend 15 minutes here and there getting things done to "good enough". Hell if you exceed and do something that turns out almost perfect then rejoice and celebrate - but since most of what you do usually turns out "good enough" ANYWAY then why not be happy with that. Why not be happy? Is perfectionism making me happy? HELL NO. Most of the time good enough is good enough for me. So why am I hanging out for perfection when in reality I know it's unrealistic anyway? Yeah I know - I need therapy.......

I don't know, maybe this is one of those life stages one goes through. And maybe you are sitting there reading this and saying "what the....." But at the end of the day, aren't we all just looking for happiness and acceptance? So if what I'm doing isn't making me happy - why do I keep doing it? Another good question for the therapist I'm sure.

OK well I'm off to shine my sink. I'm actually a few hours late, but I figure better late than never.

Overwhelmed

It was my decision to pass this blog site along to the "dog showing fraternity" owing to a phone call from a friend who said they had been approached by someone who started the conversation with "Have I got some gossip for you".

To be frank - the whole Grape Vine thing within the Dog World is the one thing that turns me off dog showing. But then of course there have always been SOME really fantastic people who honestly I have missed terribly in the time I've been not so involved in showing. I know that most of you know who you are and unfortunately of late I've been remiss of keeping in touch.

But given yesterday after posting the address to this blog there were 337 visitors and today there have been 118 visitors - it kind of just goes to show how curious those wee doggy people are........

That said - I have to say I've been overwhelmed by the number of emails I've received in response to all of this. I never for one second posted the email seeking support or sympathy. It's just after some 30 years of showing dogs, I know how the rumour mill works - and frankly these days I would prefer to be the first to spread my own rumours about my life instead of having people of questionable integrity being the "authorities" on what is going on in my life. Frankly there isn't anyout out there who knows better what is happening in my life than me - here you find the most reputable "authority" on the subject. I'm not really into embellishment these days unless it's on a scrapbooking page. I tend to prefer harsh cold truth and honesty. Hence why I suggested people come here to find the facts instead of relying on that Grape Vine.

Thank you to everyone who emailed. I will endeavour to get back to you all personally. I've just been a little pre-occupied with surviving the New Year and facing the rest of my life without the person I had planned to spend the rest of my life with. I wish I could be harder and stronger, but right at the moment it just isn't happening for me. I know it will...... eventually.... but it's going to take time. I need to be bitten by the reality bug a little harder yet I think in order to stop thinking in "Perth" time, in order to stop Murray being the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up, in order to just be able to function and not sit here wondering WHY. There's the hardest one. WHY.

Anyway, I have some work to do, but as a footnote - Kylie - I don't have your email, so if you know my prefix, you will have the website address to find my contact details. Please email me directly as your message has no contact details and I would love to hear from you.....

Happy New Year....

luv
Maree