Monday, January 22, 2007

Roll On Tuesday

Thankfully tomorrow I get to go to my first counselling session since all of this eventuated. Frankly I think the health system sucks and it's little wonder so many people attempt suicide. Aside from the blatant lies told to put people off - you have to ask yourself how sensible it is to put people off after suffering such life changing circumstances FOR A MONTH and the only support they can offer is "Can I give you Lifeline's number".

Now no offence to Lifeline. I'm sure they do a great job for the average Joe. But as sad as it may sound - if it hadn't been for the fact that I have a gorgeous daughter who I know would have suffered a lifetime of difficulties - I have no doubt I would have ended this saga in a much more definite and dramatic ending some weeks ago. Lifeline just wouldn't cut it and I have developed an immense respect for those who have managed to get through difficult periods in their lives without permanent damage.

Trying to deal with this situation has been impossible. I don't understand it. I've wavered between angry and heartbroken for way too many hours in every day. I doubt I will ever understand it. I know that despite everything I need to not allow Murray to do what he's been trying to do - and that is to minimise every solitary part of the last 3.5 years we've spent together. If it's what he needs to do for himself to justify what he's done then so be it. That is something he will eventually have to live with. But for me I can only see it for what it was.... A relationship that I wanted - He needed. A relationship in which I was determined to succeed and in which I was determined to give 100% and in which he was committed to getting what he could out of it and then moving on when things from his past caught up with him. I think that at least now I can accept I was simply the meal ticket to the next level of his life and I know and accept that it meant nothing to him in a real relationship sense. In some ways this is probably the closure I needed.

Do you know that even after a month - there is still no interaction in so far as any admission of what happened.... no acknowledgement from him that he has done what he has done - and aside from that there has been absolutely NO REMORSE - NO I'M SORRY - NO I WISH I HAD HANDLED THIS BETTER........... nothing. Frankly I think it says more about the personality disorder he has than it does about anything. How can ANYONE do this to another human being who cared and loved and supported them so much is totally beyond my comprehension.

On that note though - I do need to acknowledge that he did transfer $1000 of his remaining money into the business account. And although I haven't yet confirmed it - he claims he transferred $500 into my parents account for back interest on the money they loaned him up to December..... And while there has been some cause for celebration of this, I can't afford to allow myself to be drawn into the hope that this will be ongoing, because I'm sorry - I frankly think it's shortlived and there will soon be "other" priorities for the weekly wage........

Old habits die hard - what can I say. Judging by the responses I've had via email and phone - I don't think there are too many people who would disagree with me.


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