Saturday, January 06, 2007

Over it

OK I'm over it. I'm over being angry. I'm over being hurt. I'm over crying myself to sleep. I'm over just sitting here feeling depressed. I'm over the whole thing. Except - ok shoot me - I'm still in love. But I do understand that there just isn't any way to deal with this than to get over it. So I guess in time I'll get over that one little obstacle as well.

Someone asked me last night if I would take him back. My immediate answer was NO. The response came back that "Then he's not the love of your life". I think that's wrong. You know the fact is that if he came home right now, it would be VERY hard not to just pick up where we left off. Because I will always love this man, that much I do know. And because I understand why he does what he does. Doesn't mean I think it's right. Doesn't mean I don't think I deserve better. But I do understand. But the MAIN reason why I know I can't take him back is that I know it wouldn't work now for sure - and why? Because I would be the one who would sabbotage it from here. I would be the one who wouldn't be able to lay any faith or confidence in him. I would be the one constantly checking up things were going the way they should. I would be the one who wouldn't be able to completely trust. I would just decay his sense of worth even more than it already has been in his past. It's been hard enough in the past with everything that has happened - for both of us. So clearly it's me who needs help as well.

So I think perhaps when the counsellor finally does return from holidays and I go to see her, it might be a good way to start. Maybe I need therapy. I'll admit I've felt so often that people have let me down and not given me what I need out of a relationship that I can be pretty flippant about relationships in return. And that goes for all kinds of "relationships" not just marriage. I've had the attitude for as long as I can remember that if you want the job done properly you need to do it yourself. At least that way if it isn't done to your expectations you only have yourself to blame. But see there is the problem.........

One of my projects for this year is to actually DO something I've been reading about now for weeks. FLYLADY. It's quite an interesting website and in thinking about where I am now, I'm kind of wondering if maybe they wrote the book for me and it's just taken me this long to see it on the shelf. I am a perfectionist in everything I do. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I'm perfect - I'm not saying what I do is perfect - FAR FROM IT ON BOTH ACCOUNTS. But I EXPECT perfection in myself and everyone around me. And of course even I know in reality that nothing on this earth is perfect. So why then do I feel let down or get upset when my expectations of perfection aren't met?

And that was another part of the conversation last night. Based upon this persons perception of my ability to prepare and present my dogs for dog shows - (they always looked perfect and have done for some 30 years and I was someone to be looked up to - I believe worshipped was the word) - but you see there's the catch. In my eyes they never were good enough and in my eyes I didn't have any special abilities. Sure I knew I could do them OK and I know I have a rapport with my dogs and they perform for me for the most part. I believe you can either handle dogs or you can't in the showring..... Some people do it well and some just never get it, and I know I do OK in the ribbons for someone who can't run properly and who takes way too long to do everything from stacking to fixing a lead but I couldn't even fathom being worshipped by anyone. And even now as it has for the past 30 years, my stupid quest for perfection actually fills me with overwhelming fear of failure. Isn't it funny how people THINK they know you but often they are so far off the mark it's just not funny at all.

Perfectionism takes all the joy out of everything. There is so much pressure to perform that there's no fun. Life has to be fun. Otherwise what the hell is the point in suffering it for 80 odd years. My life has been full of no fun moments. Frankly that's as much my fault as anyone else. Sure there HAVE been fun moments. But there have been an awful lot of unfun ones as well.

So that's where Flylady comes in. Stamp out perfection and spend 15 minutes here and there getting things done to "good enough". Hell if you exceed and do something that turns out almost perfect then rejoice and celebrate - but since most of what you do usually turns out "good enough" ANYWAY then why not be happy with that. Why not be happy? Is perfectionism making me happy? HELL NO. Most of the time good enough is good enough for me. So why am I hanging out for perfection when in reality I know it's unrealistic anyway? Yeah I know - I need therapy.......

I don't know, maybe this is one of those life stages one goes through. And maybe you are sitting there reading this and saying "what the....." But at the end of the day, aren't we all just looking for happiness and acceptance? So if what I'm doing isn't making me happy - why do I keep doing it? Another good question for the therapist I'm sure.

OK well I'm off to shine my sink. I'm actually a few hours late, but I figure better late than never.


Anonymous Nightrains said...

Hey girl, you sure are one gutsy lady...and I sure take my hat off to you! I cried with remembered pain as I read your words and felt proud to be an Australian Woman like you as you described your determination to not let the ugly souls of the world bring you down.I thoroughly enjoyed your wonderful scrapbooking - I now understand that it is an exceptionally lovely way to wrap up memories in a totally personal but beautifully artistic way...thankyou for sharing your art- l loved it. I wish you a fast recovery from your broken heart and dreams...and hope new and better ones come to smother and replace..don't forget to look back and see how well you have done-sometimes it is the only way we can see that we have made progress-we tend only to see the one step forward and the three back in our most recent past

8:30 am  

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