The most difficult weeks.

The past two weeks have just been so difficult. It was hard enough leading up to last Wednesday knowing that Murray was leaving and I shed so many tears every time the thought of him going popped into my mind. Wednesday morning was devastating for all three of us and I'll admit that I just didn't think I would survive the day. The pain I felt, and have felt since, is just overwhelming and it's hard to concentrate on anything else. I miss him so desperately which is in a way pretty stupid since we are used to him, especially in winter, going away for a week at a time for work when the crew was away planting trees. But I guess the knowledge that at the end of the week he's not going to be coming home as usual is the thing that makes the huge difference.

As much as friends have endeavoured to console me by saying those weeks until we see him again will just fly by - it really doesn't matter what colour you paint it - we won't be seeing him for months and that's the thing that makes the difference. Sure we can talk on the phone - hopefully - depending on cellphone reception etc. If he rents a laptop which was his plan, and connects to the internet, we can email and chat that way. But at the end of the day - I didn't order a cyber husband, and having one just doesn't make up for the real thing even close.

Despite the difficult times we've had over the past few months within the business and the strain it has put on our relationship, this man is the love of my life. Together we have grown and achieved so much both personally and professionally. We have faced some really dark moments but there have also been moments of enlightenment and happiness. I love him, I understand him, and I care about him. Neither of us are perfect. But together we are complimentary. I love his strength, his will, his passion, and his determination. He has given me strength and courage throughout difficult times. He has such a larger than life presence, that not having him here is just so strange and the house feels so empty.

And while I am feeling so sad that he's not here, I also hope that the time away will help him to achieve what he wants to achieve, financially and personally. Maybe the time will start to fly by. I can only hope. I sure don't want to feel like this forever.......