Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Human nature.

We're a strange bunch at times I think. Although we like to think of ourselves as being quite unique, so very much different to those around us, more often we fall into the same patterns of behaviour and simply fail to see it.

I'm often struck by how much fear plays a huge role in all our lives. It may be a fear of rejection or a fear of facing something from the past, a fear of failure or a fear of losing something/someone valued. But fear is such a common every day thing, I think we often don't even realise it's what is behind the way we behave. Sometimes I think the actions are a sort of subconcious response but sometimes it's very deliberate. Often it's old patterns of behaviour or old learned responses that can trigger the reaction or behaviour. I'm trying to learn to let those fears go as best I can, but sometimes it's difficult and by the time I've recognised it for what it is, I've already put myself through the agonizing that comes hand in hand with the fear.

It's not just me though, and I suppose that's what makes it bearable, knowing that others experience the fear and feel the need to react. Sharing a job with someone can be an interesting experience. You get the feeling that information is withheld, the other person fears their job isn't secure unless they hold some information that no one else does. Dealing with past lives that we've left behind (or that have left us) brings with it a dread of reliving the unpleasant feelings that we experienced at the time. Not facing the reality of something in your life, even though it's obvious to everyone else (and likely yourself) but choosing not to see it because the truth of the situation just holds too many questions about where it leaves you. Constantly seeking attention and stressing about the fact that no one is taking any notice of you, or commenting on what you're doing, what you've created, what you've said, because it feels as though everyone is rejecting you.... There have been so many examples I've come across in just the past week - all of them based around some kind of fear of something. We are all so much more alike than we'd care to admit.

Shane asked me why I thought I didn't blog as much these days. Given I know there have been a number of regular visitors to this site and clearly since the posts become less frequent so do their visits, my response was - "Who the hell wants to read that I'm happy?" As much as I want to announce to the world that I'm currently one of the happiest women on the face of the planet - who really wants to know. I'm not by nature a bragger. A bit of an exhibitionist at times, a class clown at others, but not a bragger.

I believe, and of course I may be wrong, but I do believe the majority of people found this blog "appealing" to read because of the pain and saddness, and given it was, at the time, my source of therapy along with my scrapbooking, there was plenty of pain and saddness to be read. It's a bit like that weird phenomenon of the traffic accident where no matter how busy or in a hurry people are in their day, they will always slow down and take the time to look at a traffic accident but speed right by the pretty flower gardens. My life has been a lot more traffic accident than pretty flower garden over the couple of years I've been blogging - and people slowed down to look. More than anything it probably made a whole bunch of people feel better about their own lives. And hey, that's fine too. It maybe makes the fear less scary. You look at your own life and then look at the traffic accidents and say, well hey my life sucks, but look at them!

My life is far from perfect. I still have my fears, I still have the usual issues to deal with that come with family, money, hopes and dreams. But for the first time in a very long while, I am happy. Having an amazing man in my life who is everything I knew he would be, and a beautiful daughter who's strength and capacity for love is inspiring, how could I not be happy. She never tidy's her room and he spills food on his clothes - so don't get me wrong - they're not perfect either, they're normal, just as normal as you and I. But they make me incredibly happy knowing they are such an important part of MY life and that's more than enough.

It was such a nice surprise last night when the phone rang and it was Paul. Such a relief to hear him sounding like him, which despite that sounding like a very Irish comment, under the circumstances it wasn't something I expected to be honest. It shows the character of people under stressful times, those who I admire most just say OK well here I am, nothing I can do about it, lets just get on with life and deal with it. To say I'm proud of the boy is an understatement. It's hard to believe it's been a month today since we were all in Melbourne that very unpleasant day. One down - 9 to go.

Lakeisha decided at the 11th hour to play summer netball this year again - after a break of 3 years.... As much as I'd like to talk about it - I fear (there's that word yet again) for my life if I tell you the score so we'll just forget it happened and move on to the next subject.

Sadly tomorrow I have a funeral to attend. My Godmother passed away on Sunday. Although I haven't visited her lately, she was often in my thoughts and will remain there for all days.... RIP Aunty Tess. You are remembered fondly.

And this week there was a little scrapbooking. This effort for Simonne's sketch challenge at Scrap Pile. Entitled "The Sydney Experience"...


Blogger Tracey said...

Well despite everything, I still like to pop into see how you are doing.

9:32 pm  
Blogger Melissa said...

pop in eh!!!!

10:06 pm  
Blogger Melissa said...

LOL....I haven't visited cause you are so happy and don't blog as often woman.So get blogging so I can come a visitin

10:16 pm  

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