Monday, November 17, 2008

Is it selfish?

I'm trying to stay calm here and think rationally from the 3rd person. It's not easy. It's always difficult to look at situations in which you are intimately entwined with the rational perspective of an outsider. I try. I do my best to remain unbiased in most situations but I realise I don't always succeed, and I know I can be very protective of the people I love. Right now I'd like to forget all about being unbiased and rational and make a couple of phone calls and tell a few people what I think. The thing that stops me is knowing it wouldn't make any difference at all. It might make me feel better for all of 5 seconds, but that would be about it.

I find it hard enough when people are thoughtless at the best of times, but when it's your own family who treats you with such disrespect and a lack of any thought to your life and your feelings I find it even more difficult to understand. Thankfully it's not my family who fall into the "thoughtless bastard" category this time.

When I think back to when I first met Shane and how he was generally treated by his family, I found it so foreign it was difficult to digest. I don't get how such a caring, loving, intelligent, talented man can be reduced to such a degraded & unimportant level in anyone's life - least of all those who proclaimed to love him. It seemed to me that no one listened to how he was feeling or what he wanted for his life. And when he finally stood up to claim what it was that he did want for his life - everyone was so used to him towing the line I think they just thought the novelty would die off and he would just give in. For my own part in this - I've long ago come to terms with being described as the result of a "mid life crisis", but I will never forget the manner in which this message was delivered.

The saddest part from my perspective is that he deserves so much more than life has given him so far. So to have to sit and listen again to family impose their will, really grates on my nerves and it makes it difficult to hold your tongue. I didn't. And although I know it probably doesn't help resolve the issues - I still believe it's so important to stand up for what you believe in and for what you want for your own life. There are times when I feel voicing my thoughts only confuses the issue even more. But then again when you've spent a lifetime in submission - and finally found the wings to fly - don't you owe yourself the freedom to express what you think and feel.

When you are surrounded by those who insist on looking at a world that constantly owes them something, a world that revolves around them alone - is it not reasonable to point out that there exists other entities who sometimes deserve a thought or an ounce of your time? Do you think it's likely they will listen?

Here's the bottom line..... The world revolves around all who inhabit it. Not you. Not I. But everyone. At some point - your selfishness and self centred outlook of life ceases to go unnoticed. At some point - reality steps in. At some point you stand to lose something that is really important without even noticing it's gone. There's little point in acting surprised after the horse has bolted if you were the one who left the gate open in the first place!

What I don't understand is why I'm so angry. Through all this I have gained the one thing I have searched for all my life. I couldn't be happier. I believe I have won AND earned the most precious gift. I'm grateful for the stupidity that has brought me this wonderful opportunity. And yet make no mistake - I AM angry - angry for the pain it causes and torn between that and the incredible disbelief that some simply cannot see the forest for the trees........

I love you more than words can convey - always remember that. To hell with the bullshit. They didn't deserve you in the first place.

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