The Certainty of Thinking at Night

No I haven't changed the music in a long while. It's a piece I never tire of. I firmly believe it's one of the most moving pieces of music Shane has created. I simply love it. I'm not sure why. Aside from the fact that it's beautiful...... I am drawn to it no matter what mood I am in. I think that is what always amazes me about the incredible talent he has - that he has the ability to touch you on so many levels through the music. I have the faith that one day the door will open to give him the recognition he so deserves for the wonderful pieces he has created and for what will follow.

Tonight though I sit in disbelief at insensitivity and stupidity. Some recent "events" just seem to have confirmed suspicions and cemented life's paths. And I can't help but think that if ever I get to be this out of touch with life, someone should give me a swift kick where it will take the most effect and wake me up before I befall the same fate.

If there is one thing I have always tried to instill in Lakeisha - it's to be responsible for your own actions. That whole cause and effect thing. I hate that the world we live in these days encourages the whole "victim" status. Everything that happens seems to be someone else's fault. But in "Maree World" it's always been a pretty different story. I believe we should all be responsible for our own actions. God knows over the years I've made enough mistakes in my own life. I HOPE I've learned something from them - most of them at least. I don't try to blame the results on anyone else. I'm happy to accept that I've stuffed up.

With that bit of background information I guess you can understand a little about why I find it difficult to accept when someone refuses to look within for the situation they find themselves in. Seeking only to blame others for where they are at with their own lives. Casting blame, firing innuendos and passing snide remarks serves little purpose than to teach the world just how petty you are and I think generally serves to alienate more people than it endears.

And so this is our lot for the week, thanks to a rather bitter and twisted individual who despite claiming she has changed for the better, continues to push the same buttons, pull the same strings and play the same old tune she always has. Thankfully it's being seen in all avenues for what it is, a desperate attempt to shut the gate. But when the horse has already bolted and you are the one who left the gate open in the first place, I'm thinking it's a futile effort to start mending fences when the horse is long gone in the hills.

And so we are left with greed, insensitivity, and desperation, none of which are particularly pretty. And it occurred to me today that despite the fact I consider myself to be a compassionate person, I've long run out of patience or compassion for this particular scenario. I've been described, amongst other things, as a Snake in the Grass - and frankly I would prefer to be a Snake in the Grass than an Ostrich with my head buried in the sand. At least the Snake deals with reality and has the courage to face even the most formidable opponents.

My life has been an open book for a very long time. I have nothing to be ashamed of in the way I have treated the people in my life. I am thankful for the challenges I have faced since they have made me the person I am today. I am eternally grateful for the incredible life I now have with Shane and Lakeisha. It is truly the life I have yearned for the past 30 years. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I will be for the speedy passing of the next 5 weeks so that life can truly begin without the need for such interferance and irritation. Knowing that keeps both Shane and I focused on our incredible future and gives us the ability to get past the pettiness presently in our lives.

One of the things I find interesting from my perspective is the absolute trust and knowledge that I am secure and justified in my confidence. To know you are cherished by such a wonderful man makes each and every day an experience to be enjoyed. And despite the fact that I know what lies ahead in the coming weeks, the power plays and the moves that will be set in place - and yet I have such confidence and trust that regardless of any of that, this bond we have will surmount all. Actually I almost look forward to the ultimate confrontation that is inevitable so that life can finally take the path it's destined for. Bring it on girl I say. I confidently believe you haven't a snowballs chance in hell!

It has been wonderful over recent weeks getting to know Shane's family better. There are some gems there for sure and I'm so honoured to have been accepted into the fold. It's his parents 60th Wedding Anniversary coming up and a huge family get together. I was thrilled when Lakeisha expressed her interest to attend to meet the family as well. Hopefully there will be photographs......

It was so great to chat with Mel, Justine & Rosemary tonight on the phone. I so want to get up to Queensland to catch up with them soon. Scrap Pile has been such an important part of my world now for so long. But beyond the whole scrapbooking thing - Mel has been such a dear friend who's chat and advice I have come to rely upon. Ahhh but applying for a Design Team position again???? hmmmmm I don't think so. I mean I would LOVE to.... I really miss those packages in the mail and all Darl - but if you can figure out how to wangle me another 5-6 hours a week then I'm there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe not........

Well work summons me back tomorrow so I suppose I should get off here. Best of luck with that bucket of sand..... I have a feeling you're going to need all the help you can get!

The difference between "them and me"

I've often written in this blog about being yourself - being true to yourself, but above all just being who you are. There isn't anything else I care to be these days. Just me. Aside from the fact that I'm happy with the person I've become, I figure it's so much easier just to be one person than trying to be what everyone else wants you to be. It's so much easier to remember one person for a start. Where does that come from you ask?

I've found it interesting these past 4 months to see the reactions of people to my addition in Shane's life. I've felt all sorts of diverse reactions. Everything from - "well OK you're here now" - to "come on, show me why he's with you now". I don't know that I've been surprised by the majority - for the most part each reaction has been pretty much predictable. I'm not writing about it now because anything in particular has struck a chord with me - only that I'm somewhat amused at how sometimes people treat others so poorly.

To say that on Saturday night I felt like a Lab Rat (as Shane put it) was probably a bit of an understatement in one sense and possibly gave the evening way too much credibility in another. One of the things I've never quite been able to understand about some people is their need to make others feel insignificant. I understand the competitive nature of some people and I'm all for a bit of fun competition, but I don't understand the destructive nature in some. I guess I'll never understand it. And as Shane always says - everyone has a story. I agree. We all do. And while some stories may not be quite as inspiring or earthshattering as others, each and every one is as individual and as valid as the next. Those who fail to recognise that fail to clench the very basic fibre of human nature. I've always said you can best judge people by how they treat those who can do nothing for them.

If there is one thing I have always tried to maintain - it's an open mind. I've tried not to adopt other people's opinions of anything, people or situations. I've always tried to make up my own mind based on my own experience. I understand that circumstances can cloud situations and sometimes personalities just don't gel. I would hope that I've never had a pre-conceived idea about someone that was so rigid that the actual meeting of the person did not dominate my opinion. I'm just not sure everyone is the same.

And while I may well not be loved by everyone I meet (and I expect that to be the case), I am saddened that there are otherwise intelligent, rational human beings out there who fall into the trap of judgement. Saddened because it's their loss, not ours. Will my life be changed by this issue? No. I can live with it or without it. But I am saddened that some people simply can't see the forest for the trees and likely never will.

Right now what I am grateful for is a strong foundation of love, respect, trust and partnership and a future that promises to be better than anyone could dream of. I couldn't wish or hope for anything more and so I am satisfied and happy and hope those who sit in judgement are comfortable - it's going to be a long wait.