Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Fixing things.

Some people are natural born fixers. The need to fix things comes as naturally as breathing air. And when you love someone, the need to fix things is even more intense, more important. So when a situation arises and you find yourself in that unenviable position of having your hands tied and not being able to do a single thing to help fix it, it can be so frustrating and painful that you feel you've done nothing but let your loved one down.

Yesterday was so full of fixers. I've never quite been struck by a scenario with quite so much impact. Certainly the situation was totally foreign to me, as it has been for the past 11 months we've been dealing with this particular scenario. Watching a friend go through a court system that is designed on the One Size Fits All pattern is frustrating enough when one size in reality simply doesn't fit all. And clearly I am somewhat naive in my belief that along the path of life - common sense prevails. In some ways I hope to remain a little that way. For me, to think otherwise gives me not a lot of hope for the future.

But watching a group of people all gathered with the one purpose - the support of someone they loved, and all wanting to fix the situation but none of them able to, watching their pain and frustration, together with feeling my own pain and frustration shared for the same purpose - was an overwhelming experience. Each of us dealing with the outcome in our own way. And even though this was the first time I had met 3 of the 9 in the group, there was a powerful magnetic bond thanks no doubt to the shared purpose of the gathering. What struck me also was the need for each to support the rest, to help fix their pain and frustration with words and hugs and gestures of care. And if the one we were there to support had been able to witness that perspective of the day, I have no doubt he would have been comforted by the solid network that had formed.

And then later in the day I was once again in the presence of a fixer but this time being the subject of the attention. Same scenario, different geography and subject. But it occurred to me at that point how much easier it is to cope with the difficulties in your life when you know you are loved and supported. When you know you have the rock and the soft place to fall. It gave me a bit of perspective to placate my own frustration. I realised that even though you can't fix everything for the ones you love, just being there is enough. That they know you are there to allay their fear, hold them while they cry, and just be there so they aren't facing those dark moments alone - it truly is enough without even so much as a spoken word. And one of the most powerful realisations for me was how little of that I have had in these past years and more particularly how important and appreciated it is right here, right now.

And so now much of my thoughts are with Paul who has the most difficult months ahead but about whom we still care as deeply as before this tragic impasse. And if nothing else is learned from this period of my life, there are two things that are indelibly imprinted in my heart. One is that nothing should ever be taken for granted in life as everything can change in the blink of an eye and there is not a damn thing you can do to change what is done. The second is that Common Sense doesn't always prevail and guess what - there's not a damn thing you can do to change what is done......

In my own means of dealing with passing time, I took out Shane's camera and snapped a couple of pictures that, for me, summed up the contrasts of the day.... For it was a day of many contrasts, some truly lovely people sharing a profound moment in all their lives... a day I will remember long into the future for less than memorable reasons.


Blogger Jewls said...

I wish I could fix things for you hun, but I guess I can't, but I am here if you need me :)
I have a little award for you on my blog.

8:28 pm  
Blogger Melissa said...

So sorry that as a friend you feel the way you do right now.I know I felt that a few times when I wanted to help you all those months ago.You are a wonderful woman and friend that Paul will always have on his side.Those kind of people are really hard to find, and I am sure he cherishes you and the times he has spent with you, and still will spend with you in the future.Hugs Darlin Friend xxoo

3:37 pm  

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