Saying Goodbye

As I recall, some time ago I wrote about sometimes viewing my life as though it were an outer body experience. Today was one of those days. It was like being a passive observer of someone else going through the motions.

Right now as I sit here at the computer with music blaring so loud in my ears I can't hear another thing above it.... it's like today is some surreal movie that plays in my mind. I can't bring myself to think about it in real life terms because the tears start again and I am not sure I have any more to cry.

Today was Shanes last day working in Colac. We caught up and talked, mostly we talked as we have always talked - about what was happening at the radio station, what my plans were, how to deal with problems etc etc. All of a sudden it hit me that this was likely the last time ever I was going to have him there as my sounding board and the realism was just too much. As much as I've prepared for this day - no amount of preparation can make you ready for reality. In the past 2 weeks it has hit home so much just to what extent having his support and advice has really meant to me. Knowing that someone was there to listen and actually give a rats ass about the concerns I had has just been so important. And while I have NEVER taken that for granted for a second, and always acknowledged, how important it was, I don't think even I realised until today just HOW important that has been and how much I have come to rely on him being there. You've been my rock for over a year. Just what the hell I'm going to do without you, right now is one of life's mysteries. I have valued your opinions and your advice and your support. Right now I feel so completely hollow.

How the hell do you say goodbye..... Well I don't know. But for the record - you are incredible. And in spite of everything that has happened, all I can do is pray that you follow your heart and be happy. Wherever that may take you - I just hope that you pursue your dreams.

And if the day wasn't bad enough - I'm just feeling so low about the whole radio station deal. After working my ass off for the past year, today I felt as though almost everything I had done had been so undermined that I would gladly walk away tomorrow. No matter what happens from here, I am proud of the incredible things we have achieved in the past year. It all comes back to that "we are all different" thing. I am the last person to say anyone else is wrong. We all have different opinions. I have no regrets about the decisions I've made and the progress that has been recorded. We have a marketable product that is actually picking up new sponsors and radio presenters - for the very FIRST time today, a potential advertiser PHONED ME to ask about advertising..... they are coming to us rather than us asking them....... that in itself is an achievement. So to have my efforts undermined by others today was a bit of a slap in the face. Frankly I think the runs are on the board so to speak. But hey - what the hell would I know about radio??????????

I hope the neighbours weren't planning on an early night.... I feel like a long night of very loud music is on the cards.....