Just when you think it's safe...

I actually thought that I was doing surprisingly well this morning. I mean not withstanding no sleep and a pounding headache that equally surprisingly didn't have anything to do with alcohol - I actually thought I was coping. That was until I got in the car and drove into town. A well meaning 101 message from a friend was the start of the tears. That was followed by a phone call from Lakeisha who was at work asking if I was OK. Evidently me getting in the car and driving off is enough to send out a red alert at the moment. Given she was finished for the day I had to go and pick her up early.

And I would have said I was in control until the moment I walked through the back gate at Culture. And then my mind was crowded with a thousand visions of the two of us walking hand in hand/arm in arm along that walkway on any given day. And once in the restaurant the sight of "our couch" as it's been labelled after a year of preferred seating, and the table that we always take if the couch is occupied or we are eating - I just couldn't breathe. I felt as though I would pass out and I just turned on my heels and bolted out of there bawling my eyes out.

And so I have spent a miserable afternoon recalling everything. Thinking about the plans that have been made, the promises that were given and every little detail about the past year as crisp and clear as the day it took place. And you know, it's not even the big plans that are the ones I am having the trouble getting over, the overseas travel plans, his plans for my 50th Birthday even though it's still over 3 years away, and the night out in Melbourne each month plans, and pursuit of the arts plans, and the working together as a business team with all the inventions and writing and music plans, and not to mention the whole promise of 50 years together if we both live that long plan. No, actually it's the "I'll start dinner if you are late home" and the "If you are tired I'll pick up Lakeisha from work on those midnight/1 a.m. finishes" and the "Sunday mornings in bed reading papers and talking" plans that are proving to be the biggest hurdles to get over. And that isn't even starting on the "How the hell to I face tomorrow without you" hurdle.

And so I sit here tonight having not eaten anything for 2 days, contemplating that future I simply can't face, trying to figure out how the hell you adjust to your life being turned completely inside out in the space of 24 hours, feeling the incredible weight of the look of disappointment and concern on Lakeisha's face, and just having the lesson of past lives impacting yet again - Never Enough, Never Enough.

If it weren't for the incredible support of those beautiful people who have offered such encouraging words and thoughts and love : Lakeisha, Wendy, Frank, Julie, Bob, Mel & Tracey : I swear I would not be sitting here typing this blog.