Sunday, April 04, 2010

Over emotional (or Hormonal Sunday...)

I'm not sure where it came from, but a rush of emotion today has me a little perplexed. Although I must admit, over the past few weeks there have been so many thoughts and emotions running through my head, I have been having trouble keeping up or making much sense of most of them.

Something happened when we were in Sydney. I'm not quite sure exactly what it was, but whatever it was, it hit both of us so I know it's not just me. Ever since I left Melbourne way back about 15 years ago, I must admit there have been parts of the city I have missed. There have been parts of it I haven't missed either. But I guess there have been other parts of it I have fallen in love with as my life and priorities have changed. I know that we've both fantasised about what it would be like moving back to the city - Shane has always been a "bright lights boy" and in some ways I think it's been calling him for a long while. For me I think I could be happy anywhere so long as he was by my side. But certainly lately I have been feeling very emotional and lost and feeling like I'm not doing what it is I am meant to be doing with my life.

Both of us came back from that trip very unsettled and with a number of ideas about how we wanted to make some changes. I'm still not sure what it is I want to do and in many ways I know that is holding me back from pursuing the future. I know I want to move forward but I have no idea in what direction. It's very frustrating. But it's even more frustrating to continue living a life that is unfulfilled creatively. My frustration is in my work and the fact that I am essentially walking a balance beam. I have no permanent job, just doing a job that right at the moment someone else chooses not to do but who could at any given moment change their mind. But I guess it's even more than that if I am honest. While I enjoy it, I'm not really getting the satisfaction I know you CAN have from your work. Like say the enjoyment I got during my days at the radio station. I really do long to have a job that I feel that way about again, the feeling that even though your alarm is going off at 4:30 in the morning and the work is challenging and unknown - that you love every moment of it.

On the other side, I know that there are big changes coming. There are a number of factors that I see pushing us into the next phase of our lives. I still can't see the direction... but I know it's coming. As much as I want to embrace it because I know in my heart it's going to be a good transition to better things, I can't help but be afraid and a little sad all at the same time. We know that, given the house we are living in has been placed on the market, we want to move once the lease is up in July. We know that there will be decisions made over the next couple of months that will influence my work scenario. Almost everything at the moment points to the month of June and it's as tangible within my heart as tickets to a concert or the words printed in your daily newspaper. Trouble is, I can't read the act or the story.

Today I visited the Scrap Therapy site and one of the threads was in conjunction with this month's "theme" of "Change". The question asked was "Have there been any significant changes in your life and how has it affected you". My life over the past 3 years has been full of significant changes and I can honestly say that right now in my personal life I have never been happier, but even though I wanted to write about them, I felt the tears well in my eyes thinking about the changes to come that are likely to make the last 3 years look like they were routine. And for the life of me - I can't explain why.

I do know that I will be OK as I have always felt that with Shane by my side I can do anything. He is my rock and he gives me the courage to stretch my wings and fly higher than I can ever dream of doing by myself. It's amazing the difference having a partner who is supportive in every way possible, can make to your life in every aspect. I guess it's just that fear of the unknown, knowing change is coming but not having a clue what/where/how, and that "not being in control" feeling (which I have worked so hard to let go of and embrace the concept that sometimes you simply can't control things) that strikes a little fear in my heart.

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