Thursday, March 05, 2009

Making Change.

I am so often fascinated by the things we do and more to the point the why we do the things we do. The way in which we deal with the past for one thing. As much as most people live very different lives, it's interesting that we often deal with things in exactly the same way, and often the way we deal with the unsavoury aspects of the past is to block them out and "pretend" they don't exist. Which I suppose just goes to prove that at some point we all stick our heads in the sand and hope things will just go away.

This week has been an interesting experience for me in so far as commencing to deal with some of those demons from the past. With it has come an overwhelming rush of emotional... well I guess baggage seems to be the best word to describe it, as clearly I've been carrying it amongst my worldly possessions somewhere all this time. It reminded me of so many things I had done over the past 2.5 years that now seem so silly to me. Like packing up all of Murray's clothes in garbage bags but leaving them all standing in a row in the room for months before disposing of them. And I must have walked past them hundreds of times in those months but it was like they were invisible back then. And the business we had, the fact that apart from working my ass off to pay the debt that was owed, I did nothing to wind it up and finalise everything, so it just sat there too. Until now.

Finally this week has come sweeping change of how things are. Although the clothing is long gone, there has been still many other things just sitting around that are no longer relevant in my life, and so one by one they are being eliminated from the clutter. It feels good to let them go, it feels good to take proactive steps to take back the control of my life. One of the things I am looking forward to most will be the signing of divorce papers. And throughout the experience I somehow feel energised by it, and I know that with everything that has been happening in our lives over recent months, my energy levels have dropped to great lows. I find that really sad because it's not who I am or what I want to be.

It's funny, I think sometimes when you are fighting with the devil, you can feel the horns growing on yourself and you start to take on some of his/her traits. I guess identifying the fact is step one in ensuring the process doesn't result in a complete transformation, step two is making sure the dehorning process eliminates any trace elements. Making change is important - making LASTING change is imperative.

On Shane's return from India, I realised a great number of things of importance. Some of them I realised while he was away. I never want to lose sight of the incredible awareness I have of the value of this unique relationship we have. There are still a number of old habits we both need to be constantly aware of, but life for both Lakeisha and I has been so enriched by the influence Shane has had in our lives in the past 6 months. In some respects I think that 6 months has passed quickly and in others I feel as though it has already been many years. And as the saying goes - God willing there will be many more.


Blogger Melissa said...

Getting rid of all that baggage will be a great cleanser for you darlin.I am so glad to see you being proactive in this area of your life.It will make a huge difference in your future.Sending you all my love and hope those fires stay well away.


3:25 pm  

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